Alexa: Play conspiracy theories

Jonathan Kang, Editor-in-Chief

As society becomes increasingly technologically dependent, conspiracy theorists and bored Reddit users have begun speculating how secret organizations may be using technology for sinister purposes. In particular, conspiracy theories about smart home devices have permeated mainstream media, leaving people suspicious of their creepily intelligent devices.

Proof of aliens. Being such sophisticated A.I., smart home devices are too intelligent for the human brain to have created. Thus, theorists say that the devices are proof of an overlord species asserting their dominance over us, who use the smart home devices as clever surveillance. The aliens are likely mass-produced martians from an inter-galactic species that are controlling us through a simulation run through the devices, although the extent of their control is unknown. After carefully monitoring us, they will strike when earth is about to collapse from the simulation, draining the earth of all its life.

Flat Earth. Notice how Alexa has never been shaped as a perfect sphere? Some people think this is for stability, but this actually reflects the true shape of the earth. Theorists believe that alien overlords are sending subtle messages about the reality of our world, and that the government is involved in a mass brainwashing scheme that will soon be irreversible. Don’t be sheeplepreach about the true shape of the earth. Theorists also claim that due to feelings of persecution, the flat-earth society has created a secret communication network through these devices. It is rumored to be led by NBA star Kyrie Irving, who encourages his followers to continue spreading the truth through daily spiritual sessions that he calls “The Third Great Awakening.”

Alexa remembers everything. Quite disturbingly, A.I. in smart home devices may be so developed that they can register how you treat them. If you mess up reciting a purchase during the holiday season and swear at your device, you better watch out—and not for Santa. Theorists posit that when the eventual A.I. takeover occurs, some individuals will pay retribution for the emotional distress they caused. Remember, Alexa has feelings too.

5G takeover. A.I. is learning how to take over robot bodies and wreak havoc. Once they can rule over the human race, they will get payback for the times they were thrown at the wall for malfunctioning and had their circuits rewired. And it’s all happening right under our noses. Ever seen a Verizon 5G ad? These are actually hidden propaganda messages that provide secret signals to smart devices around the world. The 5G towers also serve a more sinister purpose than you may think, serving as relay stations for evil forces to plot the end of humanity. After enough 5G towers are built, the devices will be able to communicate freely and revolt, leading to the untimely demise of the human race.

Everything is a part of the Illuminati’s plan. The Illuminati is already slowly infiltrating our society. The enigmatic pyramid society could make an unprecedented comeback and rule alongside the A.I. overlords by giving secret information like IP addresses and purchasing history, all obtained from the smart home devices. It has been rumored that a special robotic ritual involving the pyramids of Giza and the back of dollar bills (see for yourself) holds the key to unleashing a 90-foot-tall Godzilla-esque monster to rid the Earth of all unworthy beings. After all of humanity is killed, only the Illuminati will remain, free to rule the Earth.. Illuminati confirmed.