Disastrous debate debacle

Rahul Khanna and Hari Sreeramagiri

NBC News issued a formal apology to viewers on Sept. 30 after accidentally broadcasting two old men yelling at each other in a senior recreation center instead of the presidential debate.

Instead of the first presidential debate, nearly 73 million people tuned in to a violent yelling-match between senior citizens Old Beden and Donald J. Tired.

“We are terribly sorry about what happened, and we can assure it won’t happen again until Congress reconvenes in October,” NBC Reporter Faken Ews said. “Thankfully, this situation has a silver lining: as bad as American politics may seem, they will never get this bad.”

The squabble started with gentle jabs at each other but soon descended into unintelligible speech as both citizens refused to let the other talk for even a moment. Notable moments included Tired taunting Beden, saying there was nothing smart nor young about him, to which Biden responded that Tired was the worst resident this county had ever seen.

“I’ll admit, when I first heard the yelling and grunting I assumed it was just classic Trump and Biden at it again,” said Desperate American, who watched the debate with his family. “But once they started dueling with their walking sticks, I began to suspect something was wrong.”

A third voice also briefly interjected throughout the broadcast, add- ing to the chaos. This man was identified as Cantmo Derate, the director of the senior center who fruitlessly attempted to restore order.

“I tried to get those old geezers to stop fighting, but they just wouldn’t listen,” Derates said. “Believe me, I tried everything too: I asked nicely, I asked again and I asked one last time. For some reason, they wouldn’t listen to me!”

A mysterious computer virus by the name of VOTID-19 seemed to be one of the major disagreements.

“That virus, it was some virus. People would walk up to me and look at my computer and tell me ‘Tired, that’s some virus’,” Tired said. “And I would agree, it’s one of the most virus-like viruses I have ever seen. The radical young would tell you otherwise, but take it from me, it’s some virus.”

Tired claimed that the virus showed up on his computer in early September and had been maliciously attacking him ever since. Beden later reported seeing the same virus on his own computer and accused Tired of giving him the virus.

“I never had a virus on my computer until Tired came in,” Beden said. “It’s absolutely ridiculous— he’s a clown. His management of the computer virus is absolutely terrible, and whenever someone points it out he keeps yacking on and on about how he has done more for the virus than any other resident in the center – a complete lie. I wish he’d just shut up.”

Both Beden and Tired reported not being able to type lowercase letters ever since their computers contracted VOTID-19, a side effect not common among other infected computers. Further investigation by the FBI revealed that the two citizens accidentally put CAPS-lock on and forgot how to turn it off.

Another major disagreement centered around climate change, though not in the way you might expect. Beden complained that the room was getting too hot and demanded that the air conditioner be turned on. In response, Tired lit a fire without shutting the fireplace door, letting smoke pour into the room and infuriating Beden.

As for the actual presidential debate between candidates Joe BIden and Donald J. Trump, there are rumors that the debate was one of the most civil, constructive and informative debates in American history. Unfortunately it is unlikely that the public will ever know the contents of this debate, as there was no recording kept.

Due to their old age, both Beden and Tired have completely forgotten the events of that day.