While trick-or-treating might not be possible in our current environment due to some spooky circumstances this year, these alternatives are sure to safely keep the Halloween spirit alive around yourself and your loved ones.

Wicked Witches.

Consider being First Witch, Second Witch, and Third Witch for your group costume this year. Leave your hygiene products at home and trudge around in the woods for hours, making sure to get covered in dirt and stray branches to really sell the look. Bring a speaker along so you can play cackling noises at your heart’s content. If you’re lucky, you might be able to run into an unsuspecting passerby, and you can predict their future anchor grade. Send cryptic apparitions of “wc” and “?” their way and watch the wonder- ful tragedy unfold. Even better, take their paper without them knowing and write illegible comments in red pen to raise anxiety levels to the utter maximum.

Mummified Mansion.

Modern problems require modern solutions. Before anyone else has the chance to, cover your entire house with the mountain of toilet paper that you bought on a rampage during March but no longer have any use for. To spread the cheer with anyone else that might be passing by, throw more toilet paper rolls at them so they can join the fun in turning your entire house into a giant mummy. As a bonus, by doing this, you prevent anyone from teepeeing your house or throwing eggshells at your walls without your knowledge, all while maintaining safe distance. The Howler has not of yet found a reasonably efficient way to remove these “decorations”.

The gift that keeps on giving.

You could be lame this year and give your friends bland Halloween gifts like dis- count-value candy from the shady convenience store, toothbrushes from various dentists, or celery sticks; or, you could give them a gift that will have them screaming from joy. Literally. Wait in the trunk of their car with a Jared Leto Joker costume (don’t forget the mask), and jump out to congratulate them for their hard day of work at school at the next green light. It’s guaranteed to make memories that’ll last a lifetime. If your friend walks home instead, prepare a costume to go along with your axe, preferably met- al, and trail them all the way home to make them freak out. Make sure to bring an over- sized speaker so you can play the Purge siren as loud as possible. If they start running, it’s really your duty to accept their challenge to a race.