COVID-19 disappears with 2021

Hari Sreeramagiri and Kathy Chun

As the clock struck 12 on New Year’s Day, it marked much more than a new calendar year—for millions of Americans, the new year brought an end to the COVID-19 pandemic. Whether these rumors are true or not is something that we have not yet uncovered, but one thing is for sure: Anything that is dreamed can be achieved. 

“Man, let me tell you a little secret. Yesterday night, I went to sleep dreaming about spaceships. Today, I wake up, look outside the window and guess what I see?” Toyota dealer and motivational speaker Mike said. “The biggest airplane I’ve ever seen, soaring right above my house. Now, what does that tell you? Believe what you think. Think what you believe. Believe what you think and think what you believe.”

As opposition to social distancing guidelines grew during the pandemic, groups like the Facebook Families Against COVID-18 (FFAC) formed coalitions to rally for Americans’ constitutional right to oxygen.

“I told y’all this would be over soon,” FFAC Senior Vice President Executive Intern Anne Chovee said. “Had me smelling my own breath for 2 whole months in that stupid mask. I cut a hole in it so I could breathe, though. Y’all should’ve thought of that.”

With the disappearance of COVID-19, the FFAC has now shifted its mission statement to decorate Bill Gates’ residence with toilet paper. A prominent figurehead of the FFAC, Tik Tok rapper and influencer SkrrtSkrrtYeetYeet recently released a public service announcement from his 10-million-dollar mansion—in his glitter-foamed bathtub, to be specific.

“You know what? I actually posted ‘Not gonna miss you 2020!’ on my Instagram story and I think that really did the trick. Like come on, carrying a pandemic into the new year? So out of style! Leave the negativity in the past, you know?,” Skrrrt said as he popped a bubble. “To everyone who’s still social distancing, all I wanna say is you’re ruining the vibeZ, bro. My dude Zayn knows what’s up: UK THE VIBEZ KNOW THE VIB- yeah.”  

And there you have it. Three people, three lives, and three very interesting stories. For now, all we can say is, keep an eye out for those spaceships and you might just get somewhere.