Kollege Bored drops the SAT

Jonathan Kang, Editor-in-Chief

The Kollege Bored dropped the SAT as a requirement for college applications, relenting to students’ pleas to avoid retaking the test three times to get above a 1450.

They made this decision after realizing that the test was too non-profit for them, as recent cancelations project revenue at less than the $1 billion goal.

Falling profits made the decision all too easy for Kollege Bored, who simply couldn’t bear to be labeled as a true, dare I say it, non-profit organization.

“The SAT wasn’t even designed for testing knowledge: It’s just an easy $50, so college admissions will more or less be the same,” Kollege Bored Business Executive Low Nsharc said. “What I’ll really miss is making students pay $16 extra to write an essay. The $12 detailed score reports will hurt too.”

While supported by many, the decision has also come with plenty of backlash. Some argue the decision leaves colleges without a standardized measure of preparedness, which could cause biased admissions.

“College applications will be flawed because we will have to compare clubs and nonprofits that are only for some extra college admissions points,” junior Call Ijaps said. “Whoever can spruce up their application the best gets in.”

Following the decision, student organizations across saw a 250% increase in board applications, while new club requests also rose dramatically. Kollege Bored claims this is just a coincidence and merely reflects higher morale in students.

Despite the backlash, many argue that the SAT was unfair to begin with, and this decision is a step towards equitable admissions.

“These tests greatly favors wealthier individuals,” an anonymous student said. “I mean, have you seen those fancy $200 Texas Instrument calculators? People who can’t afford those flashy colors are immediately disadvantaged. I’ve even heard that if you buy the study books directly from the Kollege Bored, some of the answers on your scantron will be mysteriously filled in.”

The Kollege Bored has made decisions on college admissions for over a century, and it remains steadfast in its decision despite some of the complaints it has received. However, the organization is developing a new test that they claim will revolutionize the way college applications are judged.

“We call it the Tangential Academic Standards (TAS). You’re allowed to take the test completely free! However, we do charge $50 for the scantron, $10 for TAS specific pencils, $70 for admission to the testing center and $40 for parking,” Nsharc said. “Also, you have to pay dollar-to-dollar to validate your score, so if you get a 1450, expect to pay $1450. We prefer cash.”

SAT prep providers have quickly adopted a similar model, offering free services with self-proclaimed minor additional charges for entering the building, sitting in chairs and using the restroom.

Meanwhile, the Kollege Bored will continue to sell SAT test prep books and study guides, citing the sentimental value that they bring to their past customers. They plan to roll out the new test as soon as January 2021 to maximize reven—sorry— benefit to the students.