Trump creates the internet

Mei Ono, Copy/Layout Editor

Former President Donald Trump is taking drastic measures in an attempt to stay connected with the world online following his ban from various social media platforms including Twitter, Facebook and YouTube, as well as the restrictions of several of his supporters’ online communities, eventually resorting to creating his own internet. 

Shortly after it was revealed that Pinterest had been suppressing pro-Trump hashtags such as #LiberalsAreTheRealVirus, Trump allegedly created a personal Pinterest account in defiance and began covertly promoting himself through several boards titled “50 Beautiful Confederate Wallpapers,” “Coup Moodboard,” “1984 aesthetics” and more. His account was discovered by a Pinterest affiliate who recognized the former president’s email address being used for his login and subsequently had the account deleted within 24 hours of its creation.

“Here at Pinterest, we aim to provide a space for creators around the world to be inspired and inspire others,” Pinterest affiliate Bur Knee said. “And frankly, his board of self-spoken quotes wasn’t very inspiring. I doubt that ‘I would build a great wall’ would inspire my wife to let me rebuild our garden wall.”

At 5 a.m. the next morning, the San Francisco Police Department (SFPD) received reports from several Pinterest employees that Amazon boxes containing approximately 420 pounds worth of Trump’s official MAGA merchandise were piled at their front doors, sent under the name “Joe Bidet.” Although the SFPD refused to answer any questions regarding the matter, it was announced later that day that Amazon had permanently suspended Trump from utilizing any of its services. 

In response to the increasingly limited forms of accessible media, Trump began constructing his own Discord server, according to an account by Bitco Inrulez: one of the hackers responsible for the massive Bitcoin scam on Twitter that targeted some of the biggest names in America, including Trump himself. Inrulez claims that she was flown to Florida to help Trump build his Discord server after he recalled that much of their scams were coordinated through the program.

“He didn’t know what a voice chat was,” Inrulez said. “Now he’s forcing me to make Obama emotes.”

His server, known as “D0n4ld Trump’s $uper $ecret Discord Server,” is said to be moderated by Trump and user imvladimirpuuutin#0690, and has established several rules outlined by him including “no slurs in #general” and prohibits the use of any pronouns whatsoever. 

Days later, Trump reportedly yelled at Inrulez, who was in the midst of setting up a GOP voice chat, over the phone that his “super secret private server” had somehow been “infiltrated by antifa trolls” who were spamming fancams of K-pop idols in the channels. The server has since been shut down as of Monday night. 

With little hope left for Trump to continue to exert his influence through social media, it seems that the former president has found his final workaround for the countless bans he now faces from online sites: creating his own. A team of 80 computer scientists from across the country was assembled to recreate a computer network only accessible to Trump and his supporters. Although the construction of his personal internet is still underway, Trump claims that it was actually him, not Al Gore, who had invented the internet in the first place.