Santa cancels Christmas

Hari Sreeramagiri and Tyler Wong

With the winter season approaching and COVID-19 cases rising higher than ever, the children of the world have demanded that an official statement be released surrounding Santa Claus’ annual delivery. Claus upheld this request and announced on his Twitter that “CHRISTMAS IS NOW CANCELED” this year due to restrictions from the COVID-19 pandemic.

The complications are countless and formidable. Whether it is the fact that the elves couldn’t gather to package presents or that Claus qualifies as an immunocompromised individual, this year’s gift delivery is simply impossible. On top of that, the reindeers have simply refused to cooperate with safety regulations.

“Imagine being tied up and flying across the world in one night while wearing a mask,” Rudolph said. “I mean, can reindeers even GET this disease?”

Many are devastated by the unprecedented shortage of presents and as a result, millions of children around the world are on the brink of a huge Christmas temper tantrum. Meanwhile, #cancelsantaisoverparty is trending at #1 on Twitter, making things extremely difficult for Claus and his PR team. We reached out to a few parents for their perspective, but they were unfortunately not in the Christmas spirit.

“Unfair is what it is,” Kare Ehnen said, watching her daughter stomp up the stairs in frustration. “I mean, just the fact that the parents have to BUY PRESENTS NOW is outrageous. And what will I tell my daughter? That Santa BOUGHT her the presents?”

While many around the world are furious over Santa Claus’ decision to cancel Christmas this year, members of Claus’s immediate family have expressed their joy as they are finally able to celebrate Christmas Eve together.

“He always makes up some bogus reason to take a flight to another county on Christmas Eve, only to come home bloated from milk and cookies,” said Mrs. Claus. “I’m not sure what he is doing out there, but I am just glad that this year he’s staying home for the holidays.”

Although Claus has cancelled his gift delivery this year, he has promised that all kids, except those who are on the naughty list, will receive surgical gloves and a face mask shipped directly to their door—courtesy of Amazon Prime’s one-day shipping service. However, these shipments may be delayed due to two-week quarantine requirements across countries.

Claus has also announced that all types of cookies and milk will be banned from stores on Christmas Eve. Anonymous elves have reported him saying that if he doesn’t get them, nobody does.

For those children who are eager to meet Santa Claus as per usual, they can find him exclusively at the Irvine Spectrum ferris wheel, where he will be wearing a hazmat suit while encased in a plastic box placed 20 feet away from the crowd. These precautions will ensure that the children and parents visiting Claus and Claus himself will be safe and healthy during their heartfelt exchange.