The real way to get on Santa’s good list

Lana Hwang and Rahul Khanna

As Christmas draws near, people all over the world are relishing the thought of holiday decorating, gift-giving and spreading cheer. But others are starting to remember that night they spent procrastinating on the essay they had over a month to complete, or that time their finger slipped, causing them to click off a Canvas quiz and search up the conjugations of Spanish verbs. As we approach the final stretch of the year, it’s the little things that can push people over the edge to make it to Santa’s coveted nice list. Here are some of the best, sure-fire ways to guarantee that you won’t find coal in your stockings this year.

Stop the strain. As your sibling labors through Zoom classes and Canvas modules, you may notice that they have strained eyes and frequent headaches. They are likely suffering from prolonged exposure to blue light from their computer screen, which according to Bing, is likely to cause blindness, deafness and heart attacks if not addressed. Help them out by cutting off all electricity to their home; bonus points if it’s during their AP Bio final. Nothing beats doing homework by candlelight, and now they are free to rest their eyes in peace. If you want to help them feel especially cozy, use the candle to create a bonfire of their school worksheets and past anchor essays.

Save our marine life. With all the pollution in our oceans, you must act quickly to save all the marine life on Earth. Every once in a while, take a sailboat out to sea and capture as many fish as possible, saving them from the poisonous dangers of the water. They are probably cold, so place them outside on a scalding-hot road where no pollution is present, and patiently wait until they stop moving and you can hear the sound of sizzling. This is a sign that they can finally get some sleep in a clean, warm environment. Also, they can finally breathe! It is a wonder how their lungs did not collapse under the intense water pressure of the ocean before. The world is truly a miracle.

Take a stand (literally). To combat the more serious pandemic of poor posture, address the problem at its source. Take a stand by throwing all the chairs in your house into the fireplace in defiance. But your protest should not stop there, as a grassroots activist like you needs to get the community involved. Raise awareness of the issue by letting yourself into your friends’ houses uninvited solely to grab anything that could possibly be sat on, whether it be cushions, beds or their fish tank, and throw it out the window. After all, you should always have your friend’s back. Now, force your friends and family to maintain proper posture and be sure to glare at them angrily if they so much as think of sitting down. It’s been scientifically proven that proper posture increases height, so you’re only helping them with your actions.

Complimentary room cleaning. You notice that your sibling’s room is an absolute mess, and, wanting to help them out, you decide to clean their room for them. You return the 3,458,483 cups in the kitchen to their desk, spray copious amounts of Febreeze in their room and throw away all of their trash: including papers, dull pencils and erasers now reduced to nubs. You wonder how your sibling ever got any of their work done with things like “Reaction Rate NT/NM” and “Unit 3 Test Study Guide” unneccesarily cluttering up their desk. If you’re feeling especially helpful for some reason, simply remove everything out of their room and into the backyard so that your Mom can’t ever complain about their messy room again.