7 Tips and Tricks for the Perfect 2020 Black Friday

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IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE BLACK FRIDAY: A masked shopper suspiciously searches for deals and low-quality holiday presents at their local Target.

Claire Chien and Abby Fang

With Halloween behind us, the only noteworthy event between now and the holiday season is the notorious Black Friday—home to good deals, regretful decisions and last-minute purchases. Here is the comprehensive, expert-approved list of top 10 survival strategies that will help you thrive in all of your Black Friday endeavors. 

  1. Transitioning online. Instead of camping in front of stores, camp in the waiting room of a Zoom meeting that’s sure to eventually break your computer! Be ready to hit purchase as soon as the clock strikes midnight, and wear blue light glasses to avoid getting cancer from the deadly radiation waves released by your device. This year, the only danger you’ll face is carpal tunnel syndrome. 
  2. Train to be a competitive shopper. The 2020 Tokyo Olympics may have been canceled, but never fear: you can express all of the pent-up anger and resentment that you gained during the pandemic through the new extreme sport of competitive shopping. Learn how to win Black Friday by researching deals and gathering promotion codes from sketchy websites. One of them is bound to work!
  3. Build your COVID-19 stockpile. Europe is beginning to experience its second wave of COVID-19, and if history has taught us anything, it’s time to start hoarding toilet paper, milk and Clorox wipes like our lives depend on it. Black Friday is the perfect opportunity to get ahead of the curve. Buy all the essentials at a low cost, and as soon as you notice shelves of wipes disappearing from Costco, mark up the price and sell your haul on resale websites to vulnerable populations (they’ll pay more!). If you’re feeling a little guilty, don’t be. This is what retail stores do. 
  4. Every person for themself. No matter what your family says, Black Friday is for you and you only. You may be hesitant to break your ties with loved ones, but you can’t afford to waste money in your pursuit to stock up on hand sanitizer. Remember: in the long run, your COVID-19 stockpile will benefit you more than “love” and “support.” Know your priorities and your worth. 
  5. Order a new family off of Amazon. You’ve been stuck with them for long enough. It’s time for a fresh start, and Black Friday is the perfect time to abandon them for an all-new limited-edition family that doesn’t ask for holiday presents (with an extra 30% off plus free shipping). Speaking of Amazon… 
  6. Become Jeff Bezos. Do you want to be a billionaire—so freaking bad? Live by the words of Bruno Mars and channel your inner Bezos by exploiting minimum wage labor and third-world countries to control the means of production. Remember, slowly mark up the prices, then sell everything for the original cost during your own Black Friday “sale.” And if people say to eat the rich, eat them back.  
  7. Plan for a Communist utopia to delegitimize the system. When your scheme to become Jeff Bezos eventually fails, boycott Black Friday altogether as a sign of defiance. Only by doing this can you signal that you do not approve of capitalism’s infinite consumption of finite natural resources, which has put Earth on the path to extinction by polluting and destroying the environment. Save the turtles!