As a national symbol of honor, bravery and chivalry, the Zoom Bombers flight squadron continues to make America proud by fighting for our nation’s freedom and justice. Flight Lieutenant Gu Gulmeats has fought valiantly in the Mal War and Operation Blizzard, becoming one of the most decorated Zoom Bombers of all time. After serving the U.S. military for over 40 years and holding a range of positions, Gulmeats decided to retire three years ago and settled in Latex Valley with his family. Now standing at 12 years old and 5-foot- 2, Gulmeats discusses his past war experiences and comeback into the arena of bombing for those who wish to follow in his footsteps.

The Howler: What are some of your proudest accomplishments in the military?

Gu Gulmeats: I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class from William Gates Air Force Academy, and I’ve been involved with raids against Ap Pleinc and in famous battles like iPhone vs. Android and Apple vs. Microsoft. I have over 300 confirmed meeting bombings, I am trained in guerilla reconnaissance, and I am the top sniper in the entire U.S. armed forces.

TH: That’s very impressive. How did you initially get involved in the military?

GG: It’s a funny story, actually. I had signed up for some draft, I think it was called fantasy football or something like that. I ended up getting the wrong address and going to a different draft, but it all worked out in the end.

TH: How do you carry out your attack raids?

GG: I use my own personal Acer Skyhawk armed with 504-Razor missiles. If those don’t work, then I break out my Apple-130 armed with its 404 error cannon and AsusTek Hellfire missiles. This combo can ruin any Internet call with ease, and I can still get home in time for dinner.

TH: Any more recent campaigns you’ve been involved in?

GG: A few weeks ago, one of my old squadron buddies introduced me to a new sphere of combat known as Zoom Bombing. It’s entirely novel, having rapidly gained popularity over the last six months, and on a completely different landscape than what I’m used to—really goes to show how much warfare has evolved. I can’t disclose too much information on it though, since they’re covert operations. I’ve always wanted to have a magnum opus, to leave a legacy, so I just couldn’t pass up bombing a call named Zoom.

TH: Walk me through all of the details of how you manage to pull off Zoom bombing.

GG: My wingman Gotome Eting uses intel to find the Zoom locations which we then pursue. We take off precisely an hour before the meeting time, and we leave before the defenders can use their Norton anti-air cannons to shoot us down. Once we’re able to control the system, we have a member distract the crowd with blasting noise while another member ejects and silences people. Seeing the chaos, confusion and horrified faces we encounter in battle, it’s all so thrilling. You should try it some time.

TH: Tell me about the rest of your bombing squadron.

GG: I have several apprentices who are carefully learning the art of Zoom bombing. Luvhac Ing is our designated Password Pickpocket, so has the job of securing the password to allow us entry into the target. Around 50% of the time, he reports that the password was either “password” or “abc123”. Another of our interns (unpaid, of course) is the certified Background Blaster. Once we’re in the call, he sets up the strobe light backgrounds and 80s rock and roll music suddenly starts playing.

TH: What are some difficulties you’ve encountered during the bombings? How do you overcome these difficulties?

GG: The life of a Zoom bomber isn’t all fun and games. One of the interns named Ed Xplorer had been assigned the breakout room sector of the raid, but the countdown time wasn’t enough for him to get out safely. We didn’t see him at the post- raid meeting in the main room, and that’s when we realized the room had collapsed on him. It’s risky, yet the most difficult part is joining the network of Zoom bombers, especially as our campaigns rely on the inside information we receive. There’s a lot of security you need to bypass during the missions, so it’s essential to be connected with someone supplying passwords and identification details. Otherwise, things can go South.

TH: What advice would you give to any future Zoom bombers interested in the field?

GG: It’s a dark time for Zoom bombers right now. In the last week, we noticed major setbacks with our campaigns as the enemies have developed more powerful security precautions. We currently lack the credentials to hack meetings, and some are losing faith. It’s more difficult now than ever to become a bomber, but with perseverance and skill, I believe you’ll make it.