Xbox – Console, or Mini-Fridge?

Rahul Khanna, Junk Editor

Ever since pictures of the new consoles were published, Xbox fans have been eagerly awaiting the release of the Xbox Series X, set to come out on Nov. 10. The hype reached its climax with Microsoft’s recent release of the new console’s specifications, price and extensions, featuring a multitude of quality games as well as state-of-the-art graphics for an ideal gaming experience. Or so the fans thought.

In a stunning reversal, Microsoft announced on Oct. 7 that they had actually abandoned all production of the latest Xbox Series X in early January, instead converting the consoles to a line of modernistic mini-fridges. The specs released were in reality features of the new fridges, complete with remote controls to activate the fridge. 

Microsoft CEO Sunya Nutella confirmed in a press conference that the company’s switch to the home appliance industry had been in the works for more than a year, adding that he was surprised that no one had seen this coming. Nonetheless, he is proud of his team’s work and tireless dedication to making this vision a reality. 

“We were scratching our heads for the past few months wondering why everyone kept talking about a console, when our images clearly showed mini-fridges,” Nutella said. “I can assure everyone that if we made a new console, which we’re not, it would be much more complex than a rectangular black box.”

The new mini-fridges will reportedly feature a sleek, avant-garden design with beautiful 4K graphics so that users can see their food in high resolution. The fridge will also support vegetable refresh rates (VRR) and DonutX raytracing, so as to optimize consumers’ experience with the fridge. 

But what’s most impressive is the 4D game simulation ability, handled by a complex microprocessor chip stowed within the fridge. The fridge can analyze food items currently inside and simulate food-based games like “Fruit Ninja” using the actual pieces of food. From slicing open jugs of milk for combo points to dodging rotten bananas, this mini-fridge makes use of cutting-edge technology that brings the food in your fridge alive. While this may cost a trip to the grocery store each time you want to play, Nutella promises that this new feature will revolutionize the way people view future fridges.

“We have watches that tell us the weather, TVs that can close our kitchen lights. Who’s to say we can’t have gaming fridges?” Nutella said. 

Despite the advancements in fridge technology, something many analysts were looking forward to for years, many fans are outraged, wondering why Microsoft’s switch from the gaming console to a mini-fridge happened in the first place. The reason, according to the head of Xbox Division Pickle Dispenser, is quite simple.

“One day I woke up from bed, and suddenly I wasn’t really feeling all ‘Xbox’ anymore,” Dispenser said. “I had a sudden urge to use the Play Station 4 instead, which is how I knew something was wrong. So I decided to ditch the whole thing to make fridges instead.”

Nutella and Dispenser plan to release the Xbox Series S, a full-size fridge with double the storage and capabilities, on April 1, 2021. The upgraded fridge will not only feature 8k resolution but will also offer users the option to use virtual reality (VR) to experience the life of food in a fridge. 

“I have always wondered how it would feel to be a crunchy crouton in the middle of a salad,” Nutella said in his press conference. “We plan to use VR to place users in the point of view of any food. It’s these kinds of technological advances that I believe will change the world, and I’m excited to be the first one doing them.”

The upgraded fridge will sell for a conservative $15,999 with possible discounts if you trade in your actual fridge. However, if you want your fridge to have the ability to keep food cool, according to Dispenser, you will need to pay an extra $5,999. 

Regardless, with the incredible advancements in the home appliance industry, one can only hope that other consoles like Playstation or Nintendo Switch follow suit, hopefully with their own line of appliances to revolutionize the future.