#AllKarensMatter takes off

Mihir Kulkarni, Staff Writer

The federal government has reported a 250% increase in official name change requests for those with the first name “Karen” as compared to previous years.

Though no causal relationship has been established to explain this rise, the increase coincides with the rise of the #AllKarensMatter movement, a social media campaign started by the National Karen Association (NKA), a group founded to help middle-aged white women embrace their inner Karen. The cause aims to protect the rights of all Karens who throw tantrums and frustrate anyone around them in the name of societal progress and change.

“We need to be a nuisance to everyone,” NKA President Karen Boutme said. “We cannot ‘mind our own business’ when we don’t get exactly what we want no matter what.”

Along with their social media presence, the NKA has provided classes on the basic rules of Karening, discussing strategies to make a public scene over even the tiniest of inconveniences, causing headaches for everyone.

“We believe that we are truly doing good in this community by improving people’s headache resistance,” NKA Chief Spokeswoman Karen Tumuch said. “By giving them headaches more often, we can help them get used to the stress that comes with them.”

The impact of Karening classes has been felt around the nation. Passive-aggressive Post-It notes have appeared on cars parked more than ten inches away from the curb. Restaurants are receiving a surge in one-star reviews for having 22 instead of 23 french fries in their meals. Most notably, however, companies’ customer service sectors are reporting an average 198% increase in complaints.

Ironically, not all Karens are on board with the #AllKarensMatter movement. A coalition directly opposed to middle-aged bitty selfishness has begun to take shape, fittingly using the hashtag #NotAllKarens. By placing free gift baskets on doorsteps, they hope to change the connotation that comes with being a “Karen” these days.

“It’s not my fault my parents named me Karen 30 long years ago,” Karen Sharin said. “I’m a perfectly nice person who has never complained in my life, and now everyone just assumes I’m literally the worst. I’ve lost all my friends, and it’s just not fair.”

As the fight between warring Karen groups intensifies, innocent bystanders have been caught in the crossfire. People named Kara, Cara, Karin, Kaitlin and inexplicably Martha have been accused of being surreptitious Karens in disguise. Meanwhile, Karen Karenz’s new bestselling book, Things Fall Apart: A World Without Karens, has sold over 5 million copies while Karen themed action figures, which include a limited edition voice-over of the iconic “I want to talk to your manager!” are flying off the shelves across the country.

Later this year, the NKA will host the first ever National Karen Convention. On the agenda are demands including barring anyone named Karen from changing their name, or possibly just renaming everybody “Karen.”

If such a noble and virtuous cause is met with opposition, the NKA claims, they will take it to the Supreme Court.They claim that the justices will not have any trouble deciding between a world full of chaos or one that brings all Americans a sense of equality free of negative Karen stereotypes.

Meanwhile, the War of the Karens wages on.