“Back to school” essentials

Mihir Kulkarni, Staff Writer

As we all head back to school— and by that I mean take three steps out of bed towards your desk—it will be like never before. And that is why we need a school supply list like never before. Forget the pencils, pens and papers of the past. Here is a list of all the essentials you need to cruise through school, COVID-19 edition.

Sleep supplies. Everyone will stare at their screens and act like they’re paying attention during those long Zoom calls. A better use of your time is to find the fluffiest hot pink travel pillow you can find and catch some sleep while you do it. Snooze comfortably while sitting through your classes, and get some extra neck support while you’re at it. Even better, snap on some eyeshades and you’ll be transported to the napping heaven you’ve always wanted. Wearing two vertically over each eye will set yourself apart from your classmates. Now that’s social distancing.

Zoom protocol. Asserting yourself during conference calls is a must at the start of the year. Be sure to arrive fashionably late and start off with a flashy virtual background that has various animals constantly flying in and out. Mix in some strobe lights over your face to distract your classmates even more. To top it off, ignore all of your teachers’ requests to mute you so the whole class can listen in on your baby sister trying to play the violin downstairs.

A real desk chair. If you were wondering what desk chair you should buy, the answer is no. For those looking for the utmost comfort, a massage chair is the way to go. It might be a bit over budget, but let’s be honest, you can’t put a price on chill vibez. Pair it with a bathrobe to make every day a spa day. For the ultimate flex, buy a $1200 gaming chair and leave the price tag on for the whole year.

 

The snacks. Like the old saying, last but certainly not least. They’re a must-have when you’re trapped in your math conference and can’t bribe a sibling into bringing you some. Not to worry, however, because The Howler has devised a plan just for you. Solve all of your snacking needs with a simple solution: a chocolate fountain. Dip whatever snack you’d like and voila! Chocolatey goodness awaits. It might drip all over your Chromebook (at least it wasn’t a Mac) and attract a few critters, but hey, no pain, no gain.