What more could go wrong?

Hari Sreeramagiri, Staff Writer

As the clock struck 12 on New Years Eve of 2019, the world let out a collective sigh of relief at the prospect of fresh starts and new resolutions. Looking back now, as the infamous COVID-19 consumes the global population and shatters political institutions on the path to world domination (not to mention the wildfires that nearly destroyed Australia (oh yeah?), and mother-loving MURDER HORNETS!), it’s probably in our best interest to be prepared for all possible scenarios. That’s why we’ve created a list of brand new 2020 predictions just for you. Remember, you heard it here first.

1. Space Wars :

Look, it’s about time. If not land, then space. China’s been perfecting its Death Star technology for years and let’s be real: This is the perfect time to unveil it and catch the U.S. Jedi Legion (i.e.: Space Force) off guard. First target? Trump Tower.

2. Boba stocks skyrocket :

Quarantine has deprived us of many things, but food is where we draw the line. As soon as this horrible wait ends, millions of boba shops will crowd with mobs of people trying to satisfy their craving for the delicious dessert.

3. Zoom stocks plummet :

I don’t know about you, but isn’t everyone a little sick of pretending to be frozen or muted when a teacher calls on them? Bottom line: Post-quarantine, this company won’t be zooming for much longer.

4. Zombie apocalypse :

I think we should be optimistic here. If the human race doesn’t survive this pandemic, we have the potential to come back as zombies and take revenge. It’s better than nothing. Unless the virus can infect zombies too.

5. Asteroid hit :

Like we said — ALL POSSIBLE SCENARIOS. The probability it lands in your backyard might be 0.000000001%, but it still exists, and the consequences would be enormous to say the least. With what has happened this year already, an event that drastic really isn’t out of the question.

6. Spike in veganism :

Those bats that caused multiple global pandemics are probably feeling really guilty right about now. Who knows? COVID-20 might even come from frogs. Delicacies are overrated anyways. Let’s just stick to apples.