A scream of elation pierces the classroom as your friend exclaims, “I GOT INTO the Elite Preparatory Academy VII of the International Collegiate University!” Results are in. You race to your computer, pull up the login page, trembling with anticipation as wild fantasies of you wearing that college sweatshirt and walking up the steps of the landmark building to your first class race across your mind. You click LOGIN… the words “We are sorry to inform you” appear on your screen. Goodbye dream college… 

Though it may feel painful to see your lifelong friend succeeding instead of you, fear not. Here are a few FRIENDLY methods to shower them with love: 

Say congratulations!… kind of:

Host an expensive dinner party to commemorate your friend’s bright future. Spend the night inflating their ego, then subtly slide them an envelope-with your job application. Let’s face it: Your friend is your future CEO. Take their money and buy your dream college. Dream school population: 1 (you). 

Throw a surprise party in their backyard:

Make sure to invite all your fellow seniors… including their senior assassins. There’s no better celebration than watching your friend’s assassin take them down for you. That’s one they’ll never forget. 

Raid their closet:

What better way to save a special time in their life than a cute photo op? Wouldn’t it be fun to try on your friend’s clothes for a day? Actually, why stop at clothes? Who says you can’t be them? Literally BECOME them. Hide them in your closet, lock the door and call it a day. No one will find them. Have fun at your dream college! 

Have a bonfire to burn your merch… and theirs:

Newport Beach is a great spot for bonfires. You can burn your dream college merch… wait, was that your friend’s college sweatshirt on top of the burning pile? Oops. 

Post embarrassing pictures on social media:

Share a sweet collection of embarrassing photos chronicling you and your friend’s dark past. Make sure their college admissions officers love it as much as you do. 

Take over their “nonprofit business conglomerate” and use it for the rest of your apps:

If they’re really your friend, they would help you out. What better way to show that they care than giving you more extracurricular to drop in your essay? Anyways, you deserve it for that time you paid for their boba and let them copy history homework. 

Write a Junk article with them:

What better way to express your suppressed anger than to write a Junk article without directly attacking anyone? After all, it’s satire right? They won’t know.

*The Howler does not officially endorse these passive aggressive behaviors.