Scientists confirm global warming doesn’t exist. Global boiling does.


Rob Tannenbaum/MSLO/Anna Lim

IT’S BOILING TIME: Climate scientists posit that Martha Stewart boiling Mother Earth into a soup could explain the mysterious origins of global warming. She may have added too much oil, for everything outside her kitchen is on fire.

Mei Ono, Editor-in-Chief

I have spent the past seven decades studying the effects of global boiling on our precious planet Earth as a professor specializing in socio-environmental atmospheric geomorphical climatology at Harvard University. From the extensive culmination of scientific research that my colleagues and I have spent years collecting, we have concluded that the Earth is boiling at unprecedented rates.

Climate change has disrupted sea life across the Great Barrier Reef, with boiling water temperatures essentially cooking the fish. Dozens of witnesses have reported seeing the Biggus Mediumax Smallfish, a native species, being cooked alive and washed onto the shores.

“The ecosystem will undoubtedly collapse,” Australia-based marine biologist Whal Esrock said. “Oh well.”

Still, Australian restaurants are taking advantage of this new business opportunity by serving new dishes made from this pre-cooked sea life. With all the gasoline in our oceans these days, there’s not even a need to oil them! My team has estimated that if fish and other sea life alike continue to boil at this rate, we may be able to eradicate world hunger in the next two years just by consuming them.

Meanwhile in the United States, obesity rates have dropped to a record-breaking low of 0.2% of the population from the excessive sweating caused by the massive increase in temperature. Fitness industries worldwide are being driven out of business, and many of their former employees are transferring to companies that sell air conditioners for households. This sudden boom in the economy is being attributed to the success of President Trump, who ironically has continued to deny the existence of global boiling despite having shed 80 pounds of fat himself due to sweat. At least, that’s what his personal physician said.

Canada, too, has been facing some of its own problems with recent invasions of polar bears with nowhere left to go. The last of the arctic ice caps are melting away at an astonishing rate of 800,000,000,000 tons a year, double that of what was estimated in 2008. Our detailed investigations have revealed that Canadians have even adopted polar bears into their family. As such, domestic polar bears have revealed a sharp increase in their intelligence levels; buying groceries for their families at Walmart or watching the Tonight Show on the couch.

“This says a lot about society,” Canadian resident Po LarbEar said. “Seals are good to eat, but I have to admit, Pringles are too.”

If you’re worried about overpopulation with the new integration of polar bears into society, fear not. Thankfully, by summer 2040, overpopulation will no longer continue to be a problem due to the complete evaporation of all oceans. Starting from the northeastern portion of the Indian Ocean, Earth’s water will slowly begin to boil above 110 degrees Celsius and evaporate into gas that will accumulate in the upper atmosphere.

“Yeah, and then it’ll be cloudy for eternity, and we’ll probably never see the sun again and most living species including humans could die,” climate specialist Chawwes Dawwin said. “But you know, natural selection, YOLO.”

Donny Yang