Kesha was wrong this whole time. “TiK ToK” has actually begun making the party stop due to a recent epidemic of TikTok-related household injuries. From Northwood High, over-enthusiastic junior Oak Abe Oomur found himself stuck in a hospital bed on Feb. 6 after trying to stay hip with the freshmen before senioritis hit.

He tried to hit the woah a little too hard in a Walgreens and dislocated his dignity (as well as his hip). His family reports that he’s still trying to find it, but for the time being, he’ll be working with top-of-the line psychologists at a behavioral health care center in Los Angeles.

“I just can’t bring myself to go into Walgreens anymore,” Oomur said. “The worst part is, every time I see the pharmacy at the behavioral center, I’m reminded of my little incident and I get a splitting headache! My brain can’t adjust to a life without dignity. At least Dr. Dre says so… why don’t you say so?

Didn’t even notice, no punches left to roll with… Ah, stop the TikTok music! Please, give it back.”

This was not Oomur’s first experience with a TikTok injury. Just two weeks earlier, Oomur had to be sent to the dentist a month before his scheduled appointment because he fed himself a knuckle sandwich to the left cheek, the face cheek, while following along with the YouTube video titled “Renegade TikTok Tutorial (K Camp Lottery) Step by Step Tutorial” in a Walmart.

“It was the ‘hwoo hwoo’ breath part,” Oomur said. “I don’t think I quite understood what he meant when he said to swing my hands close to the face. My disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined.”

These two cases of TikTok-related injury in such close proximity of time seem to reveal that stores that start with “Wal” are not the best places to film TikTok videos. However, even those who do not produce TikTok content are at risk. In the last three days, the United States Department of Health and Human Services has reported 37 teens from across the nation––all notably edgy and socially awkward––coming into hospitals with finger joint swelling. Numerous studies later, professional analysts have determined a strong correlation between thumb injury and excessive TikTok usage as kids swipe up their “For You” page for hours on end. The results concluded that ”repeated up and down movement caused erosion of the extensor tendons.”

TikTok is a dangerous app to own, and if you haven’t made one yet, health officials highly suggest avoiding any kind of exposure. And if you are already exposed, voluntary quarantine is the safest option for our students.