IRVINE, CA—Sources reported Monday that local clown Lucy Kim has been silently mumbling all but the last four words to Northwood’s alma mater for the last four years, in what authorities are calling an “unexpected and shocking” turn of events. 

“Mumumumumumumumumum…white, silver, navy blue,” Kim said in a press conference hosted in her driveway, who then went on to explain that she really was a proud T-wolf. “They should’ve dropped it on Spotify or something if they really wanted me to know how it goes. I’m a graduating senior! This place is like my home away from home!”

In fact, sources close to Kim report that she really did spend a fulfilling four years at Northwood. A verified close confidante told the Howler that she “literally never read a single AMSCO and asked me what 20 plus 15 was the other day but still had good grades, that absolute wench.” However, she still had her fair share of trials and tribulations. 

During sophomore year, Kim seriously considered becoming a stand-up comedian, which “truly speaks to how I’ve, like, mentally grown in the four years that I’ve been here,” she lamented. This short-lived aspiration stemmed from an incident in H10 English when she gave “British people” as an example of an oxymoron, and everyone laughed. Kim reportedly replays that moment in her head at least twice a week to this day—finding herself the comedic genius of a lifetime, she set out to become the last Junk page editor on the Northwood Howler. 

“Oh, yeah, that one,” Howler advisor Marina Alburger finally recalled after having to take a good five minutes to sit down and remember who Kim was. Alburger then refused to comment any further as she stared off into the distance. 

Students may remember her as “the dumbest person you’ve ever seen with a 4.0 GPA,” according to a “friend” and possible hostage. However, Kim revealed during the press conference that this image has actually been a carefully calculated bit the entire time, which she has been using as a social experiment to generously give people fun stories to tell their friends.

“She told me she was reality shifting to a plane where her K-pop boy didn’t get a haircut and that I could come with her, as long as I met the necessary ‘conditions’,” a confused passerby said. “She then shoved a bunch of rose quartz and amethyst into my hands and walked away, muttering to herself and chuckling. I did have to call a HAZMAT squad in to get rid of those.” 

There were also a number of other incidents which Kim devoted 53 minutes each to retelling fondly with her feet kicked up on the table in her driveway, now wearing a cowboy hat and chewing on ten toothpicks at once. Such include getting doxxed by Stray Kids fans on Twitter for saying one of their songs sounded bad, becoming a biological mother of one domestic shorthair, breaking down in the counselor’s office at least seven times and almost applying to art school.

“Like, I lived and I learned, and I’m grateful for the people I found who could, what do you call it, ‘match my freak’? I think that’s what they say nowadays, skibidi toilet rizz ni hao fine thing mama a girl behind you,” Kim reminisced. “Now, I’m ready to move on to chase my greater dreams and because it’s really embarrassing being in high school.” 

Kim hopes to land herself with a job that gives her any kind of public influence, because she “really needs the attention.” She also looks forward to living her life to the fullest in the time she has left at Northwood.

“By the way, I’m still taking applications to be a part of my entourage at graduation,” Kim said in a closing remark at her press conference. “If you’re a guy—because I only uplift women—and you’re attractive, please find me on campus with your CV and resume for an interview.”