Northwood is a school that has everything to offer, except for the things it doesn’t. The boys’ bathrooms didn’t even have dividers between the urinals until the Howler allegedly had to step in—journalism doing its finest work. However, there are still many mysteries that remain unsolved, and administration’s reluctance to address them only allows swirling rumors to gain traction. Well, I am a trusted source verified by myself, and I’m here to expose the true reasons our school lacks many things other schools have. 

Prom court

The Magna Carta is a royal charter of rights which was the first document to put an end to England’s absolute monarchy, greatly influencing future historical documents such as the Moldovan Declaration of Independence. The Magna Carta directly contradicts the existence of a “prom court,” and so the UN had to step in after years of quiet inaction to ban the blatant student rights violations that were occurring during prom. 

We hold these truths to be self-evident that all students are created equal, and that the prom court was dragged to testify before the UN’s Council of Justice, where they were ultimately ripped to shreds.

Lockers

The founder of this school, Mr. North Wood Northwood, had special ties with the only chiropractor in Irvine. There’s a reason why that dream-like, mythical place has remained open and booming all these years. It’s because there’s a constant stream of anguished hunchbacked teens with backpack-strap-shaped dents in their shoulders walking in. 

Valedictorian

Many students actually don’t know this, but the competition for valedictorian used to be so intense that we had to have on-site paramedics at the ready to resuscitate any students who had a heart attack after seeing that they received an 89 on a test. Students would sabotage each other by breaking all of their peers’ pencils or deforming their laptop chargers to the point that it could only charge from one specific angle. After Northwood’s health insurance provider increased their rates by 800% the next year, admin decided that it was fair to just not have a valedictorian at all. 

Hallways

Mr. North Wood Northwood also was, to put it nicely, a total wuss. So much so that he could not handle darkness; he could not handle not knowing what was lurking around a corner, and dark corners filled with things monsters could hide behind had him wetting the bed every night. It was a specific request of his to minimize the number of corners and large spaces, and the only solution that the architects could come up with was to just do away with hallways entirely. The next time that you’re getting soaked in the rain while walking to your classes, you can thank our school’s founder and one “Five Nights At Freddy’s” playthrough video from 1987 that traumatized him for the rest of his life. 

Football stadium bleachers

We may not have huge, permanent bleacher seats at our football field, but we have a giant hill on the edge of school property. Ever wonder what that’s for? Good question. I’m not gonna tell you.

Just kidding! Under 30 feet of earth below the hill lies Northwood High School’s ultimate weapon: The Den Defender. This 80 foot mecha suit is designed with ultimate combat efficiency in mind. Its sole objective? Take over all of IUSD (and Beckman High School), establishing Northwood’s supreme dominance over the entire school district. No other high school in the area has anything close to matching this technological terror, meaning the invasion in 2027 will be an utter cinch.

Having bleachers on top of the hill would damage the fragile robot launching mechanisms built into the hill, so the plans to build bleachers were ultimately scrapped and the funds were allocated to buy parts to construct flamethrowers built into the mecha’s fingers, mostly to be used at the victory barbeque party after Northwood annexes the local high schools.