What’s going down in the boy’s bathroom?

Anlon Zhu, Staff Writer

From the early beginnings of Northwood, the 11th commandment has been established: Thou shalt not stand next to a peeing man. In other words, use every other urinal, or even better, the urinals on the ends. But why? Does the fear of tilting our head too much make it hard to drain the dam?

Anyway, that’s two of four urinals being used—just 50% efficiency! As an aspiring school bathroom engineer, I set it upon myself to avert this washroom efficiency crisis by designing divider alternatives. This is the breakdown of my findings.

  1. Old Homecoming Cutouts: Where do they go anyway? Old Hoco cutouts are great because they’re constructed from particle board, a material that is both dense, opaque and cheap for urinal dividers. Plus, nothing beats being observed by Yoda or Hulk as you release your disappointing waterfall.

  2. Bead Curtain: Don’t tell me that you didn’t want one of these as a kid. Bead curtains are sensual. Bourgeoisie. They make a satisfying noise as the beads clack against each other. Moreover, Mardi Gras beads are cheap at any Party City because no one buys them.

  3. Boxed Water: This one requires a bit of IY, but the benefits outweigh the effort. Upcycle your Boxed Waters® by stacking them in a 10 Boxed Water® wide by 10 Boxed Water® high wall. So 100 Boxed Waters® make one aesthetic divider, 300 Boxed Waters® refurbish a bathroom, and 2100 Boxed Waters® cover all usable bathrooms at school. Selling at $1.25 each, that’s $2625 of profit for Northwood High School.

  4. “The Howler” Pocketable Pop-Up Privacy Tents: If DIY isn’t your thing, The Howler has helped engineer a brilliant product using only a collapsible wire frame and old Howlers woven together. Support The Howler (please, we need your money) with a “The Howler” branded Pocketable Pop-Up Privacy Tent, available now at the student store for only $9.98!

  5. Students: The cheapest solution is to get a student to be a “bro” and step in between you and a fellow pee-er as a completely opaque screen (like in basketball). If said student decides to also let his renaissance fountain drip, he maximizes urinal-use efficiency. I am not a fan of objectifying humans, but students make excellent (and extremely cheap) urinal dividers.