#allfridaysmatter movement gaining momentum


Anna Lim

STRAWBERRY SCENTED: The economic soundness of the Poo Plucks Plan sent the president’s hair flying.

Anlon Zhu, Managing Editor

A new social movement has rallied quite a following in the past few months. Promoting itself with its slogan “#allfridaysmatter,” the movement has launched a campaign centered around a future in which all Fridays are treated equally, regardless of color. They claim to focus on the fact that all holidays are subjective constructs of the human mind, and that we should regard all 24-hour revolutions around the sun as equally respectable units of time. No more random naming of days with colors. No more Black Fridays.

To give some context, the #allfridaysmatter movement seems to be a bitter response to the #blackfridaysmatter movement, which gained momentum around a year ago in response to stores like Best Buy and Target threatening to cancel their post-Thanksgiving deals.

They’d never admit it though. “Why is it always black?” a zealous protestor from the Poo Plucks (PP), a weekday supremacist hate group, cried from the back of a fervorous crowd. “There’s Black Friday, Rebecca Black… It’s horrifyingly unjust!” He then proceeded to burn a CD of the 2012 Rebecca Black album “My Moment.”

Interestingly enough, the movement is especially bent on getting a new holiday called White Friday. All stores mark up their prices by up to 70%, forcing their target consumers to the upper class, massively increasing their profit margins and pushing forward the capitalist economy. Supporters of White Friday frequently surround the White House with arms clutching the fence bars and chanting, “Free market, free people!” The unparalleled economic benefits of White Friday have been compiled in a handwritten brief, known as the Poo Plucks Plan. This was sent to the Trump Administration last Thursday, fully decorated with dazzling doodles and scented stickers (which were purchased at a 70% mark-up by the way). In response to the brief, Trump tweeted that it was “extremely well-written and packed with powerful stuff–especially the strawberry-scented one. Happy!”

I asked Ray Cyst, another member of the PP (this one was adamant about naming himself in the article) if they’ve considered a Yellow Friday, a Brown Friday or perhaps even a Purple Friday (because Grimace also deserves a Friday). He told me that the PP is also considering Blue Fridays, in which police officers get things for free and requiring them to pay is considered a nationally recognized hate crime. He then told me that Yellow Fridays would never be implemented because they already get plenty of representation on sunny days. Then he spat on me.