SATIRE
Timby began his first presidential term with a flurry of executive orders to steer the government in a new direction, staying true to his promise to put Northwood first.
Within his first week in office, Timby signed 1,028 executive orders, one of which opened military recruitment for all animals of Northwood. This reversed an order from the previous administration to ban certain animals from serving.
Despite concerns for animal equality during Timby’s campaign when a clip of him eating a stray dog in 2021 went viral, Timby’s actions in office have proven otherwise. The president has tried to dispel ongoingconcerns regarding his views on all animals.
“This might finally convince me to join the military,” animal rights advocate Doneat Mee said. “President Timby lifting these restrictions is a vital step towards animal equality everywhere on campus.”
Another executive order declared the reverting of the names of several important locations around campus. The Oak, previously named to the Scratching Post, would be renamed back to its historic title. Additionally, the Performing Arts Center, once renamed to the Howling Zone, is also expecting a name change sometime within the next two months. Students hailed the decision as a restoration of the school’s unique cultural heritage.
Last week, Timby followed through with his campaign promise to the Tardy Party to pass a nationwide ban on tardy sweeps. Starting from April, schools will not be allowed to give out detentions for minor tardies, as long as they are occasional. Music to announce the incoming tardy sweeps are also banned all over campus.
“I can’t believe Timby stopped tardy sweeps so soon,” party member senior Nodee Tention said. “I had my doubts that he would be able to pull it off, but I’m impressed by his attitude and conviction. He really did save our ears!”
According to 5-Star Stocks, vending machine snack prices are expected to drop by 25% if Timby lifts tariffs on trade imports from Portola and Woodbridge. Affordable merchandise from Portola and Woodbridge’s PTA groups are also expected to become widely available wherever Northwood merch is sold.
Citing national security concerns, the previous administration severed all trade with rival schools, claiming that the sale of goods were being used to funnel funds into counterintelligence operations into Northwood’s student government. While no official evidence was ever found of document tampering from other schools, officials pointed to anonymously leaked changes to H9 thesis statements as well as changes to AP Biology worksheets as proof of foreign interference of Northwood’s sovereignty.
“I’ve been looking forward to restoring business relations with other IUSD schools,” Timby said. “The last thing Northwood needs after years of stunted trade is another isolationist era.”
Timby’s first days in office, however, haven’t been without controversy. A major scandal erupted when he and Eloch Husky, CEO of sled dog racing company Tessleds, announced an unprecedented plan to completely replace the entirety of Northwood’s asphalt parking lot with an artificial snow path and cars with Tessleds’ new electric stainless steel sleds by 2030. When it was announced, the project was estimated by experts to cost $8.7 trillion.
Timby had appointed Husky as the head of the Department of Goodies (DOG) on his first day in office, but it soon became clear that Husky had his own agenda to modify the structure of Northwood’s functions—starting with his plans to change ASB.
Leaked photographs and videos showed Husky charitably giving large bags of premium dog treats to ASB catering coordinator Treet Luvur. After receiving the bribe, Luvur promptly resigned, sparking a heated investigation into whether Husky’s influence was being used to silence opposition to his widely unpopular pro-sled policy within student government.
The fallout was swift. The next day, Timby announced that Husky’s disastrous tenure had been terminated and the sledding dream was permanently put on ice. He reassured students that ASB’s integrity had been restored and pledged that education would never be treated like a backdoor deal.
“What Husky tried to do to education—the foundation of our future generations—is shameful,” Timby said. “We are currently hard at work attempting to reverse the damage done by these rogue actors. The Timby administration can assure you that we only want the best for the high school.”
