SATIRE
Valentine’s season came and went! The month of love, cheer and candy filled the air with a jovial spirit as new romances unfolded and existing ones grew deeper. For those who found themselves bombarded with an excessive amount of sweet treats, here are some great ways to make the most out of your newly amassed assorted confectionary collection.
Conversation Hearts:
Synonymous with Valentine’s Day, Conversation Hearts embody the spirit of love. Besides its iconic and addicting sugary sweet flavor, its chalky texture gives it a hidden dual use. Take your leftover candies and atomize them until each grain is approximately 10^-8 centimeters, and you get a perfect, sweet-smelling alternative to baby powder. It may not be the same color as Target’s, but at least it’s infused with love.
Caramel:
In the age of rampant hyperinflation where prices rise by 10000% monthly, we often face the pressing question: How can I make money? The answer is simple—build a multi-billion dollar business from the ground up. Luckily, the texture of caramel is a perfect substitute for mortar! Take about 2000 pounds of your favorite caramel candy to stick between your bricks and add a sweet flare to your business ventures.
Gummy Bears:
Picture this: it’s 2:00 a.m. and you’re slowly balding from exhaustion trying to remember the events of the American Revolution. No worries—simply build a diorama and reenact the events to help the information stay! Choose a gummy bear (preferably one with a few strands of luscious powdery white hair) to be your George Washington. Next, place a Graham cracker in a bowl of milk to act as your boat. Stick a mini American flag into the cookie, add 2,400 gummy bears on top and gently push it across the bowl. There you have it: a reenactment of the Crossing of Delaware.
Jolly Ranchers:
They say never view the world through rose-colored glasses. But they never said anything about cherry-flavored contact lenses! If you have bad vision, simply microwave your leftover Jolly Ranchers and shape them into thin, semi-transparent discs with a base curve between 8.0 millimeters and 9.0 millimeters and a precise thickness of 0.1 millimeters. Let them cool before slapping those sweet new lenses onto your eyeballs!
Chocolate:
Hi, it’s me, your dry skin. Too broke to afford CeraVe Body Lotion? Melt down your chocolate to create a relaxing mud bath. Purify your pores, detoxify your body and relax as you let the sugar soak into your bloodstream. As you let yourself get enveloped by the pool of chocolate, you’ll feel your thoughts become sweet and your heart full.
