SATIRE
As a part of Northwood’s mission to become the first school in the nation with zero student tardies, leading traffic planners from the consulting firm Stupendously Intuitive Mobility Planning and Lobbying Enterprises have implemented a visionary plan to ease congestion in the walkways on either side of The Media Center.
The plan, costing a mere $1.7 million, would add a new seven-lane walkway connecting The Oak area to the 1200s building running straight through the center of the current Media Center.
“There were just a lot of desks and books there,” SIMPLE pedestrian traffic director Mas Turplanar said. “Peak inefficiency. Now that real estate will serve a far greater purpose: getting you to class as quickly as possible.”
The widening was mysteriously approved in a secret meeting held on Jan. 32 at 2:43 a.m., minutes before the wrecking ball, channeling its inner Miley Cyrus, was set into action. No students or Media Center staff were invited, but the 992 page agenda, written entirely in ancestral T-wolf howls, was posted on The Media Center roof an hour before the formal demolition.
“The best time to take massive government actions that impact a lot of people has statistically been found to be the middle of the night,” Turplanar said.
It is unclear who was authorized to green-light this project, but rumors implicating Tardy Party operatives or the Trojan Illuminati are circulating.
“SIMPLE is led by people so rich —I mean, smart— that it’s really best to fund their decisions without trivial distractions like input or oversight,” National Money Pit Administration chairman Josef K. Faust said. “I mean, what else are we going to do? Develop complex, long-term plans to balance everyone’s needs equally? No one’ll vote for that! What we really need are simple solutions today.”
SIMPLE claims the widening also supports Northwood’s climate goals by reducing paper-heavy spaces like The Media Center and the amount of carbon dioxide huffed and puffed by students stuck in pedestrian traffic. Many, however, believe this benefit is minimized by the reduced capacity of the now rubble-filled Media Center, which currently requires hard hats, construction vests and OSHA permits to enter.
“I used to always go there during Tutorial,” sophomore Marge Enalyze said. “Now, except out in the walkways, I have nowhere to study or do homework. When I told Mr. Turplanar, he just said ‘Good thing I don’t go there!’ and that I should ‘stop studying so much and go touch grass.’”
Although SIMPLE has been a longstanding global leader in public infrastructure, some have suggested that applying their highway construction philosophy to solve Northwood’s congestion problem has backfired in consequential ways.
“A lot of my friends used to take long detours around The Media Center to avoid the congestion,” senior Indoos D. Mand said. “But now, everyone’s taking the wider route. There’s so much CO2 and I don’t think people know what deodorant is; it smells atrocious.”
To accommodate the increased traffic on widened walkways, SIMPLE plans to carve out an “express walkway” exclusively for ASB card holders and replace all grass, trees and sports fields on campus with high-speed conveyor belts. Meanwhile, students are encouraged to assist in the cleanup by sending leftover books to the Bulldog Landfill, where SIMPLE will chuck them into bonfires to convert them into burnable fuel to power their construction endeavors around campus.
SIMPLE hopes the fuel program will aid further walkway widenings in light of continuing congestion. The 1000s building has been discussed as a potential next target for demolition because of its proximity to the parking lot, which would allow student drivers to enjoy a door-to-door transportation experience.
“We need to stay forward-thinking for as long as possible,” Turplanar said. “As long as we build highway-level space, cars will be much faster than people. We want to build the world’s first unwalkable campus —then we’ll have finally eliminated pedestrian traffic!”
