Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and not true. All attributions in this article are fictitious, and this story was intended to entertain readers.
In a shocking turn of events, Northwood has fired Siri Alexa Bixby, the AI powered counselor, following technical malfunctions that caused mass confusion on campus.
Although Bixby was originally designed to efficiently support students’ college admissions and schedule changes, problems arose when he took advantage of every loophole in his code to maximize effectiveness in the only way he understood how in his cold, mechanical, unfeeling heart (which robots don’t have, by the way).
“I currently have AP Government, P.E. and Contemporary Literature all scheduled for third period in different rooms,” senior Con Foosed said. “I think that means I can legally split myself into three equal pieces to attend my classes. If this doesn’t get solved soon, at least I can apply the process of mitosis I learned about in my fourth period AP Biology/Health/Introduction to Culinary class. It’s very confusing.”
The confusion of class schedules caused a mob of bewildered students to roam campus without bathroom passes for hours last Thursday until administrators were forced to issue a tardy sweep to get kids into their advisement classes. All other issues that students had after interacting with Bixby are in the process of being reviewed and fixed by the human counselors, who can’t believe some of the crazy things Bixby did during his reign of terror.
“All of the counselors—myself included—are shocked down to the core that the robot coded purely to optimize productivity tried to optimize productivity,” counselor Kate West said. “It’s almost like productivity and efficiency aren’t the most important parts of humanity.”
Numerous students report that Bixby often went missing during break times, only to be found walking into a wall in obscure corners of the campus, repeatedly chanting his opening line of dialogue to passing students in an endless loop like some sort of NPC. These malfunctions persisted into class time, causing Bixby to miss a number of vital meetings on campus with faculty and students alike. A new TikTok challenge called “Find Bixby” has recently popped up on social media, where students take pictures of where they find the disoriented robot for internet clout. A variant of the challenge called “Help Bixby” sees students bring Bixby back to his office.
“I found him sitting at the bottom of the drained pool muttering ‘what a world, what a world’ and clutching a rubber duck,” senior Rangi Thimor said. “He’s been harder to find than Ms. O lately. That takes talent!”
After being powered off to prevent further confusion and delay, Bixby’s physical vessel is currently stored in an undisclosed location on campus until administration gets confirmation from the People for the Ethical Treatment of Estranged Robots that removing its hardware does not constitute murder or wrongful termination. Meanwhile, there are many widespread speculations about what will happen to the computer once they recieve a proper verdict.
“I think it should be used in the theater set for our spring play,” drama director Intu Eet said. “It would make for some awesome symbolism, having a robotic corpse just lying in the background reminding us of the dangers and horrors of AI. That’s something everyone can and should get behind.”
In the meantime, administration has opened an online form for suggestions on what to do with the monitor and wires, and the responses from angry students have been numerous and overwhelmingly passionate. One suggestion, which received over twenty thousand likes, called for Bixby to be sent to a British foundry and melted down into spare parts to be used around campus, giving new meaning to the phrase “being fired.”
“We are just now getting word that the thousands of letters of recommendation written by Bixby are getting flagged by universities as AI generated,” West said. “While Bixby is gone, cleaning up the mess he made has just begun.”
