Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and not true. All attributions in this article are fictitious, and this story was intended to entertain readers.
In light of the long-growing accumulation of Lost and Found items, Northwood administration has decided to use the discarded belongings to begin architectural projects, including the construction of a new 1500s building using the gear.
The plan came to fruition when ancient Lost and Found items began to pile up from student neglect and needed to be put to better use. Up for the task of using the items, an architectural group of Northwood enthusiasts stepped up.
“The thousands of lost hydroflasks from the VSCO phase everybody went through in 2019 is perfect to create the framework,” architect Rhys Orsful (Class of 2038) said. “And all the EM3 randomassignments from when that class was offered at school makes the perfect wallpaper.”
The team began by meeting to get a good grasp of the available materials and began to sort out the belongings, brainstorming where each item could be used to maximize efficiency throughout the structure.
“After about 15 minutes of solid deliberation, the team had a master plan on where to use everything,” architect alumni Remi N. Scent (Class of 1066) said. “For example, we found that plastic folders could be use to as insulation for the winter, and straw hats could be used as thatching to line the roof. It was a real test of our communication skills and ability to think outside of the box.”
Once they catalogued the plethora of items, they began to sketch a blueprint for the building. The final plan used scrap metal from water bottles as framework, random blocks from old AP Physics Rube Goldberg machine projects as wooden panels for the walls and lost jackets as fabric for chairs. The team is still in the process of wiring electricity for the building, with the majority of electrical components being salvaged from abandoned chargers, broken Bluetooth speakers and MacBooks.
“Since the neighborhood has been facing an influx of new residents, Northwood needs to expand greatly to accommodate the incoming student,” Orsful said. “We’re offering a cheap and smart alternative. And we’re making use of the infinitely linearly increasing amount of belongings Northwood students are always losing. It’s honestly a win-win.”
The team has recently finished the blueprints, then set to work actually crafting the buildings, contacting local contracting agencies for help with construction.
“We had discussions with experts, and we realized that we actually have more than enough materials, so we can splurge a few more Stanley cups to create Corinthian columns and flying buttresses,” Scent said. “We’re also popping out the lenses of lost glasses to create stained glass windows, and using old retainers as literal crown molding to line the ceilings. It’ll be magnificent.”
A number of other projects to complement the 1500s building are also planned to help update the functionality and junkcore aesthetic of Northwood. One leaked blueprint portrays plans to expand the Media Center to three stories, giving more space for bookshelves and students to work during tutorial. Another leaked blueprint proposes an upgrade to the theater, demolishing the current structure to create a 1,500 seat concert complex that features seating made from a patchwork of lost spirit wear and chandeliers constructed from tangled lost earbuds, designed for rental to Broadway musicals.
“By far my favorite blueprint that we have designed is one for a 305 foot statue of a gigachad Timby to be displayed at the intersection of Portola and Yale,” project manager alumnus Johnny Hotbody (Class of 1999) said. “I’ll be a symbol of freedom for all and inspire everyone as they enter campus each day, increasing student and faculty morale. Just ignore how gross and used it’ll probably look.”
The project to build the 1500s building is still underway behind Northwood’s campus. The building is expected to be completed in a few decades, constantly expanding as more forgotten items leave the hands and minds of Northwood teens. Students who don’t want their lost items to be used in the construction of the 1500s building are encouraged to go to the Lost and Found to recover their items before it’s too late.
