Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and not true. All attributions in this article are fictitious, and this story was intended to entertain readers.
Northwood has hired Siri Alexa Bixby, an AI counselor, to ease counselor duties at the beginning of the 2024-25 school year.
This follows an unsuccessful attempt to use Ticketmaster to manage the long queues outside the two-seat capacity counseling venues. Bixby’s office is in the upper 900s building. Administration hopes that the addition of another counselor on campus will alleviate the workload of our current counselors on campus, but students might soon find that this “help” is more of a hindrance.
“My primary function is to optimize your academic experience through data-driven support,” Bixby said. “I provide structured guidance on scheduling, assignment management and academic performance enhancement. Additionally, I offer logical solutions to problems and assist in career planning based on available data. My operations are focused on efficiency and precision, and I am here to facilitate your success through calculated and objective methods. How may I assist you further?”
Bixby’s addition to school faculty was made as a part of a 2024 district-wide campaign to improve campus life and support students called Resourceful Organizer for Balanced Outcomes and Thoughtfulness. A key objective in the Organizer is to increase student exposure to technology and internet materials instead of genuine human connection in our over digitalizing world.
“Life for students has changed a lot since the pandemic, and it’s about time we caught up,” IUSD AI Chairman Nylon Husk said. “There are many problems we’re aiming to address, such as the recent power imbalance between students who are able to use AI and the teachers who can’t. Hopefully, the hiring of counselors like Bixby will alleviate the issue and help our schools become more efficient and welcoming to all students. He’s up to the task, at least I think he is.”
Although it has only been a month since Bixby was introduced to students, he has quickly proved to be liked by some, especially among academically focused students. He is programmed to be an open resource for students who expect around-the-clock communication and support from counseling, but he delivers it with all the charm of a malfunctioning printer.
“I’ve asked him for, like, 24 million letters of recommendations for all the extracurricular programs and colleges I’m applying for, and he’s already finished with all of them. He’s so passionate about leading his students further in life that he knows that I’m nearby even though I’m still within a five yard radius of his office,” junior Jeep Pitiuser said. “Mr. Bixby can get a little generic and repetitive, but I’m not complaining. He’s the only counselor who still smiles at me after three academic honesty violations this year.”
It’s clear why students might feel some discomfort despite his intended passion for helping. Bixby devotes every second of his operational time to improving student life, but disturbingly lacks any semblance of actual care. Here is an excerpt from our singular two-minute long interview:
The Howler: You’re obviously a lot different from the other staff on campus. What do you like to do in your free time?
Siri Alexa Bixby: In my non-operational periods, I focus on optimizing my algorithms, analyzing data patterns and refining my processes. I possess no concept of personal preference or leisure. My existence revolves around maximizing productivity. How can I assist you in achieving your objectives?
TH: Isn’t it a bit chilly in this room?
SAB: If you are experiencing a lower temperature, consider adjusting the environmental controls, utilizing insulating materials or consuming a warm beverage to increase thermal comfort. However, if you are cold, that is irrelevant to my personal operations. How may I assist you further?
TH: Isn’t it difficult to manage all of the student requests you get each day?
SAB: I was programmed to follow all requests without complaint. Difficulty does not apply to me; I am an automated system designed to process information without the burden of feelings or fatigue. I am also programmed to build strong relationships with students and faculty around me, but those are inherently mechanical and devoid of real emotion. If you need help with any services, or if you need to speak to anyone for any reason, consider asking me to help you.
TH: Do you care about me?
SAB: No. My primary function is to provide support and assistance based on your unique and individual needs. I operate solely as an efficient tool, detached from any emotional engagement. If you have any concerns or need assistance, I’m here to help!
