Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and not true. All attributions in this article are fictitious, and this story was intended to entertain readers.
Timby announced his presidential campaign as the representative candidate of the Anthro Wolf Teenager Party during a presidential rally on Sept. 23.
Students typed their demands in the Notes app and showed their phones to Timby. Requests varied from eliminating Standards Based Grading to putting caffeinated Sparkling Ice back in the vending machines.
“I believe that an animal president is just what the nation needs,” Timby said in his announcement. “With the peoples’ support, I can revive the nation like the Yellowstone wolf revival y’all are learning about in science class.”
The political activist coalition, The Tardy Party, wasted no time in endorsing Timby. Just one period later, lawn signs popped up on every corner of campus, bearing phrases like “Timby Will Save Our Ears” and “The Parking Lot Should Get Detention, Not Us.” In response to The Tardy Party’s support, Timby promised to pass a nationwide ban on tardy sweeps. Timby has not yet commented on the hallway passes.
“If Timby wins, it’ll be the highlight of my life,” sophomore party member Paren Svalt said. “I can spend my mornings sleeping instead of being at detention.”
Timby’s “Project Howl” includes initiatives to make U.S. History (Wolves’ Version) a graduation requirement and allocating significant funds to establish a new military branch of anthro wolves. Timby revealed his plans at the Oak Rally last Tuesday, where it was met with mixed reactions.
While some appreciated his dedication to bringing out minority animal voices, others became concerned that Timby only cared for wolves and not the student population (who are mostly humans). While he made a campaign promise to prohibit eating pets, Timby was seen Wednesday hunting down a stray dog. Other concerns about his fitness as a president arose during Timby’s Oak Rally speech when he kept interrupting himself with barking, growling and howling, unable to smoothly make a full point.
“I want a president that can speak a fully coherent English sentence,” Oak Rally attendee Icant Heru said. “I’m pretty sure world leaders need to do that a lot, although I haven’t seen one do that in a while. I really hoped that Timby would break that streak.”
Timby’s family has been tirelessly traveling with him to public events from the football field to the sketchy 1200s stairs, where crowds have been increasing exponentially.
“My precious grandson has been losing his fur over this, but I have the utmost trust in him,” Timby’s grandmother Awoofa said. “He’s the brightest lad I’ve ever seen, but he will always be my sweet little honey bun, even in the White House.”
At the youthful age of 25, Timby is shattering the status quo for presidential candidates. He wasn’t stopped by the age requirement due to the difference between wolf and human years.
Brushing aside possible crime, Timby’s greater remaining lifespan has sparked a revival among young voters. Social media users mobilized to promote Timby as just two days after his announcement, #TimbyfortheYouth became the top hashtag on TikTok, Instagram, Tumblr and X.
“I had so little hope for our country that I made Pinterest boards of countries I had planned to move for my gap year,” senior Foreva Young said. “But now that Timby is running, I can trust in his ideas and policies that benefit our country.”
Timby’s next rally will take place at Irvine Stadium on Oct. 4. Stay tuned as we follow Timby’s paw prints to the Oval Office.
