Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and not true. All attributions in this article are fictitious, and this story is intended to entertain readers.
The bell rings and in the blink of an eye, a young teenager vanishes, only to reappear at the front of the lunch line a split second later. For 567 days and counting, senior Dash Bolt has maintained his undefeated streak as the lunch line champion.
Despite being the nephew of Usain Bolt, Dash Bolt endured a lot of ridicule for not inheriting his uncle’s legendary speed. But he doesn’t let that slow him down. His talent for securing first place in the lunch line stems from a much more mystical source.
During freshman year, Bolt was stuck in horrible first-day-of-school traffic with cars going a meter every minute. Nevertheless, luck shone on him when Hermes, messenger of the gods, swooped down upon Northwood and casually recognized Bolt as his half-blood son.
Armed with his newly granted divine powers, including winged shoes and super speed, he zipped past the traffic and to his classes in two seconds flat. That was the day he broke away from the shadow of his uncle.
“I feel pretty good about being the only demigod in all of Irvine,” Bolt said. “I never have to worry about traffic, and it’s a hilarious sight to watch everyone’s shocked faces as I fly past them to the lunch line, striking dazzling poses in the process. I’m happy to say my winged shoes are a fashion statement. Everyone wants a pair but not everyone can be the son of Hermes.”
As the lunch line champion, Bolt has used much of his divine powers to dash ahead to the line and claim the food he believes is really special.
“It might look simple at first, but I swear it tastes exceptional compared to everyone else’s lunch,” Bolt said. “It has the spice of a first place winner. It’s on the level of a three star Michelin dish.”
Bolt said the previous statement while holding a slice of foil-wrapped pizza and a packet of chili pepper flakes.
However, some students have questioned the legitimacy of his claims. Many believe that Bolt’s words are simply just a combination of some good old-fashioned manipulation and deception.
“It’s a battleground out there because everyone is scrambling after the food Bolt supposedly gets,” junior Henry Hater said. “Honestly, I think he’s gaslighting us. No one’s ever actually seen his lunch. He’s probably having a hard time accepting that all those months of being first in line got him nothing in return. I can’t even believe he’s using his divine powers for something like this.”
In response to the claims, Bolt is launching a new business venture to help other people experience the food he gets. For every $5, students can hitch a ride with him and secure a prime spot at the front of the lunch line.
“I’m happy I can be a service for others and help people who are struggling with the tasteless food,” Bolt said. “Sure, I’ll always be first, but for a small fee, anybody has the chance to enjoy heavenly food with me.”
With only 153 days of highschool left, Bolt plans to continue his first place journey with a flawless record. He also hopes to use the funds from his buisness to start an academy teaching kids how to get them selves adopted by Greek gods.
Students who are interested in his business can visit http://www.nottryingtogaslightpeopleintothinkinghisfoodisactuallygoodanddefinitelynottryingtoripyouoffofyourmoney.com to sign up as a customer.