Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and not true. All attributions in this article are fictitious, and this story was intended to entertain readers.
A new educational tool called “Attention Based Learning” was implemented at Northwood, helping students learn a groundbreaking new strategy known as “locking in.”
The ABL tool was created after a district-wide study revealed that students were drastically suffering from what researchers call “terminal boredom” during class. As a result, teachers can now choose a selection of Subway Surfers gameplay, Minecraft parkour and Family Guy clips to play in the background of their lectures. Artificial intelligence is utilized to project real time captions on the screen.
“We hope by implementing these videos, we can engagementmax,” ABL Director Aten Shunspan said. “The previous system was a massive L, so we had to bring our gyatt from a level three to a level 10 on the Sigma scale.”
Shunspan claims that students have been completely glued to the screen, which led to an improvement in focus, even though class averages dropped by 20%. Shunspan claims that it’s part of the learning process and was inspired to create ABL from observing his 10-year-old son.
“My son loves watching YouTube Shorts,” Shunspan said. “I saw how locked in he was the moment he encountered the glorious split screen Subways Surfers gameplay. That got me pondering, ‘how do I make this same concept improve learning?’”
The product of this thinking was Attention Based Learning. Although skeptical at first, teacher Brian Rott quickly saw the benefits of this system.
“My students used to give me the NPC stare,” Rott said. “Blud’s eyes drifted around and it’s like their attention got fanum taxed. It’s not even like I’m a boring teacher. With the addition of ABL, I can see their eyes staring straight at the screen. Nowhere else. Just straight at the screen.”
Not only has ABL helped the teachers, but students also love ABL.
“Lowkey Mr. Rott was kind of a beta,” student Aymzo Board said. “But with this new system, I can feel his aura from 100 miles away. I feel more entertained, and he’s so sigma now.”
In the future, Shunspan and the rest of the ABL team, lead by committee chair Krauni Kelly Onlyn, hope to add more clips, such as sped up footage of craft making, and implement the same system for textbooks.
“The other day, I was looking through the textbook, and realized how boring it was,” Onlyn said. “I could barely read through two pages. Plus, I couldn’t even copy the text into Chat GPT.”
Onlyn hopes that scroll-through textbooks will turn doomscrolling into a healthy habit, while ABL is still in its beta stage, Shunspan and his team hope to spread ABL to throughout the country.
“Some haters call it brainrot,” Shunspan said. “But, this is the future. We’re nurturing the minds of America’s future leaders out here.”
