SATIRE
When walking through our beautiful campus, you may see an ordinary, bland school, but you’d be surprised at the secrets that it has to offer. If you look around a bit more, you’ll find magical places that you’ve never seen anywhere else. If you need someplace to get you started on your search for brand new opportunities, refer to the handy list below.
The dark 1200s building stairs:
Every veteran of Northwood is aware of the sinister presence of the lightless flight of stairs behind the 1200 building. Rumors state that the dark crevices of this space hold the secret to the Backrooms with its fluorescent lights and endless maze-like structure. Creepypasta entities are also said to lurk around here during the lonely hours of seventh or eigth period. Watch out for the puddles of unidentified liquid which pool around the depressions in the cement. The stairs don’t leak and the area is cleaned by staff fairly consistiently, so it’s a mystery as to how it always reappears in the same location. Touching the puddle probably won’t give you the superpower to cling to walls, so I wouldn’t push my luck. If you want to feel a burning rush and wave of adrenaline down your spine as you brave through the spookiest spot on campus, consider giving the 1200s stairs a try.
The teachers’ lounge:
The most mysterious place on campus is the teachers’ lounge. What do teachers do when you’re not in their class? They are at a massive underground theme park known as Teacher Land, riding school-themed attractions and eating carnival food to their heart’s content. The park’s most popular attraction is a dark ride called Adventures Thru Integral Space, and its signature wooden roller coaster is the 4,533 foot long Synonym Slider. If you’re ever offered the opportunity to visit, try out the local eats. The music department always gets the Bach Burger, the history teachers swear by the HUAC Hot Dogs and administration occasionally likes to pop into the secretive Club 1999, a secret resteraunt within a secret space. Is the whole concept realistic? Admittedly not. But chances are you’ll never be able to buy a ticket into Teacher Land anyway, so it’s up to you if you want to believe it.
The parking lot:
Few are aware of the secrets of the seemingly normal parking lot right in front of the school. Even fewer know of the random boss encounter you can trigger if you go to the parking lot, sing the “Star-Spangled Banner” in a British accent, pick up and throw five pieces of trash away into a bin and yell “YOU OLD SPORT.” Once this dark ritual is triggered, Jay Gatsby will appear out of a magic portal driving his yellow car and challenge you to a game of polo on the tarmac. Be on the lookout for his poor sportsmanship. Despite his centruies of experience at the sport, he likes to cheat. If you somehow manage to beat him fair and square, you get an instant 4 on your next English paper. However, failiure will result in your pencils glowing a bright green for the rest of the school year.Good luck.
Room 1102:
A mysterious room under a shadowy set of stairs and seen as an enigma to many outsiders, Room 1102 is one of the most secretive rooms in the entire school. It is the home base of a secret organization of boba-obsessed writers and art enthusiasts who spend their time fixating over print media. Not much information is known about these Barnes and Noble loving nerds, so make sure to keep your peepers peeled if you happen to pass by. If you happen to enter Room 1102 for any reason, be sure to check out the mysterious artifacts around the classroom like the gigantic lion plush casually lounging upon a tastefully decorated chair and the Lego pixel art of Darth Vader displayed in the corner. Enter if you dare…
