SATIRE
In a post-2024 Olympic wave of innovation, IUSD has announced a daring overhaul of its sports program with the debuts of fencing, equestrian, trampolining, BMX and breakdancing into the curriculum. To get the inside scoop on the new additions, we spoke with the district’s newly hired Olympic Sports Coordinator, Flex McTumble, who is leading the charge for this extraordinary initiative.
The Howler: We’ve heard that IUSD is implementing some rather unconventional sports programs this year. Could you tell us more about these new additions?
Flex McTumble: We’ve decided to increase the number of D10 athletes coming out of our schools by introducing Olympic sports that might seem a bit off the beaten path. We hope to increase school spirit by turning every pep rally and game day into high-octane spectacles featuring breakdancers or BMX riders competing for glory. We’re looking into adding pyrotechnics to the proceedings without setting off the fire alarm every five minutes.
TH: Sounds…explosive. Let’s talk about why you went with the sports you chose. Fencing. How did that make the cut?
FM: Fencing is perfect for students who enjoy a little friendly rivalry… and who are also really into stabbing things, but in a completely safe and legal way! What better way to resolve a lunchtime dispute than a good old-fashioned duel with foils? Forget rock-paper-scissors; we’re all about en garde.
TH: That’s an unexpected twist on conflict resolution! Speaking of which, how exactly does one start an equestrian program at a public school? Aren’t horses a bit large for school buses?
FM: You’d think so, but we’re all about thinking outside the stable! We’ve partnered with a local ranches to bring the horses directly to the school. Our soccer fields will now double as makeshift stables and grazing fields, which is great, except for the occasional goal post being mistaken for a scratching post. And don’t worry about the cleanup: horticulture classes are ecstatic about the new organic fertilizer! We like to call it a win-win, though we’re still working on a solution for the hoofprints in the gym.
TH: Speaking of the gym, training sessions for trampolining might be a lot of fun… or a lot of broken ceilings. How will you ensure safety?
FM: We’ve covered the gym floors with what we like to call “Fluff Zones”: piles of pillows and foam that will make even the most reckless bounce seem like a gentle nudge from a cloud. Students also must wear helmets, knee pads and, for the truly adventurous, a full-body bubble wrap suit. We’re still working on how to avoid mid-air collisions, though—so far, our solution is just to “jump higher.” And if they bounce too high, well, we’ve always wanted a skylight.
TH: And BMX?
FM: Our parking lots will be converted into BMX central, complete with ramps, jumps and strategically placed trash cans for that obstacle course vibe, perfect for all the Stüssy warriors and e-bike riders. We’re also enforcing traffic rules, including speed limits, stop signs, a mandatory ring of the bike bell before any mid-air tricks and, of course, a “No Jumping Over Teachers’ Cars” policy—though we might waive that for extra credit in AP Physics.
TH: Breakdancing—how do you plan to incorporate that?
FM: Breakdancing is where we really let loose. We’re converting some classrooms into dance battlegrounds, complete with spinning floors, neon lights and fog machines. And, just to be clear, breakdancing isn’t for the actual talented dancers. It’s less about precision and more for those who want to turn their complete lack of coordination into an art form.
TH: What kind of feedback have you received from students and parents so far?
FM: Some parents are thrilled that their kids are getting a chance to try something different. Others are, understandably, still processing the idea of their child zooming past them in the parking lot on a BMX bike during morning drop-off. As for the students, they’re mostly excited, although we did have one ask if they could sword-fight on horseback while breakdancing. We’re still working the logistics on that one—mainly, how to prevent the horses from trying to breakdance too. That said, it has definitely sparked a new level of creativity and, possibly, some groundbreaking new ways to explain “How did that happen?” to the principal.
TH: Lastly, what advice would you give to other school districts considering adding similar sports?
FM: Embrace the chaos. Kids today love multitasking, so why not give them sports that combine danger with old-fashioned mayhem? Just make sure your insurance covers “trampoline mishaps,” “horse-related escapades” and “breakdancing calamities.” If it goes wrong, at least you’ll have some epic stories to share at the next school board meeting. Plus, who knows? You might just end up with a school that’s known for producing not only academic geniuses but also the next generation of ninja-warrior-breakdancing-equestrians.
