We’ve all been there—blurted out the wrong answer, laughed way too hard at a joke or had a dreadful photo immortalized in the yearbook. These
seemingly trivial moments may keep you up at night. Or maybe your bad moment is more serious, leading to a loss of friend group or relationship, stress and genuine grief. Either way, here’s a four-step process to guide you through the pain.
Stop:
Our first instinct may be to panic or lash out at our mistakes, then scramble to cover them up, blaming ourselves for everything. It might be tempting to fix the issue right then and there, but when you are high on negative emotions, you will often regret what you do at that moment. Instead, pause for a second. Close your eyes and hum. These vibrations stimulate the vagus nerve, which then calms the heart rate, digestion and breathing.
Next, realize you are being overly critical of yourself and others, and try to interrupt that thought process by finding something positive. Northwood psychologist London Carter recommends using Calm.com and yoga to help yourself become more aware of your thoughts without getting caught in a downward spiral. Of course, talking things out with a mental health professional is always an option if you prefer a more personal approach.
Reflect:
If the issue isn’t critical or harmful, let it slide. Nobody’s tracking all your little mistakes unless you make it clear that you are embarrassed. Cut yourself some slack. Imagine someone else made the same mistake; would you be so harsh?
When the issue is more serious, this step might take some time. If it isn’t the best time to tackle that concern, step back. Tell yourself, “I will come back to (the issue) at (time) when I am feeling less overwhelmed.” Set yourself a reminder, then carry on with your day before dedicating focused time for you to reflect. Think about what triggered that situation, how you felt and how the other side would feel.
“Dealing with things promptly prevents issues from escalating, but we often try to avoid them, and have so many convenient distractions to help us do so,” Carter said. “The more comfortable we can be with being uncomfortable, the more we can grow.”
Making a plan gives you the time and space to address the issue while managing the challenges of your day. When you are trying to resolve a problem with a friend, let them know your preferred communication method, whether it is a Facetime call or a quick chat before school.
Communicate:
For little mistakes, try to find the humor in the situation. Laughter is a powerful tool for diffusing tension and can help you see embarrassing moments in a new light. It can become a new story for your friend group to treasure over the years. If the issue is serious, talk to the other side because if you value someone so much to keep them in your life, it takes equal effort to maintain that relationship.
“It might be difficult to have this conversation alone, but try not to involve others unless they are already involved in the situation,” Carter said. “Be honest, stay on topic and share your feelings while honoring their feelings as well.”
Conversations about personal issues can be really stressful, and it’s easy to worry about forgetting something important. If that happens, jot down your thoughts on your phone before meeting up with them, and use these notes as a guide to express yourself fully.
Record and find a solution:
It can be hard to move on from mistakes, especially if you’re worried about repeating the same thing over and over again. But remember, change is within reach. To break from these habits, first become aware of what triggers them. Start by noticing and keeping a record of recurring negative patterns and take note of their causes. Focus on the most frequent issues.
If you can avoid certain environments that contribute to these problems, do so. This might lead to temporary distance from some relationships.
“High school is a time of incredible growth, independence and change,” Carter said. “Focus on your own goals, hobbies and interests and you will make connections that can grow with you into each new phase of your life.”
*Northwood counseling and mental health services are here to help you. If you or a friend require help navigating difficult emotions, we encourage you to reach out to qualified professionals for assistance. You can start by reaching out to your counselor or a trusted adult on campus. In an immediate life threatening situation, call 911. For other assistance, visit https://iusd.org/about/departments/education-services/student-support-services/mental-health-and-wellness/community.
