The Trump administration announced that all US coaches must turn in their whistles immediately to local police stations on Oct. 25. The administration plans to conduct a thorough investigation of every coach under suspicion that they could be the whistleblower.

“Whoever it is, they are spying on the government under completely false premises,” an anonymous member of the administration stated in an interview with The Radish. “This is for the national security of everyone living in the US: There is no reason to protect someone who hates the country.”

As the impeachment inquiry by House Democrats continues, Trump is getting more desperate to find the culprit behind the secret testimony. Over 82 percent of Republicans voted in favor of this new policy and are looking for alternative ways to force the whistleblower to reveal their identity publicly, including a mandatory questionnaire sent out to all citizens of the US asking their favorite brand of whistles, how long they have been blowing whistles for and the last time they blew a whistle.

“It’s not like we can’t have practice without whistles, but we’ll have to find an alternative,” Swimming coach Alex Nieto said. “I guess screaming into kazoos would have a similar effect.”

Train conductors and dog trainers fear that the ban on whistles may soon expand to include them as well, and implications by the Trump administration suggest that there could be an end to the production of all whistles in the entire country.