Toilet paper rankings

Victoria Ta

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April 14, 2020
Anlon Zhu

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As the Halloween spirit creeps in, jack-o-lanterns, fake spiders and cotton-spun webs are sure to decorate your neighborhood. Why not cut some costs and have some mischievous fun by turning a bathroom necessity into a classic Halloween festivity? The Howler has ranked the following T.P. options to ensure wthat you have a jolly time T.P.-ing this year.   

[Disclaimer] As an official statement, The Howler does not condone T.P.-ing 

Charmin Ultra Soft™: 

Price/Square foot: $0.50/sheet

2-Ply

Notable Qualities:

  • Super soft! Super cushiony! At least the house will feel cozy
  • 2x more absorbent in case the October rainy season hits hard

4/5 stars; less is more

Charmin Ultra Strong™: 

Price/Square foot: $0.34/sheet

2-Ply

Notable Qualities:

  • “Strong when wet.” How does it work? No one knows, but use this with confidence knowing that rain will only make your prank more diabolical.
  • “Washcloth-like” strength. If you ever feel guilty about pranking, you can always do some charity work and scrub their house instead.

2/5 stars; try ultra soft instead

Northwood Bathrooms: 

Price/Square foot: $0.0008/sheet

1-Ply

Notable Qualities:

  • Speaking of utility, this toilet paper doubles as 1000 grit sandpaper. Bad for your bottom, good for sanding down uneven corners on a dovetail joint.
  • No pre-tear lines makes for easy dispensing in mass quantities
  • It’s basically transparent, so the victims won’t even notice.
  • Economical and accessible. Quantity over quality.

5/5 stars; practical, lawful evil 

Quilted Northern EcoComfort™:

Price/Square foot: $1.67/sheet

2-Ply

Notable Qualities:

  • Expensive as… Well, you know…
  • Energy efficient manufacturing, 100% renewable power, and 100% recyclable packaging
  • Sustainable Forestry Initiative Fiber Sourcing Standard Certified
  • Wasting a whole roll for the sake of a prank. C’mon kids, this is a natural resource we’re using here! Think of the trees crying as you dangle their brethren over pointy houses when they could be wiping your rear end. But hey… at least they’re Sustainable Forestry InitiativeCertified trees.
  • Still soft

5/5 stars; environmentally friendly, classy and boujee

Angel Soft™: 

Price/Square foot: $0.18/sheet

2-Ply

Notable Qualities:

  • None. The pinnacle of mediocrity. Pathetic.

0/5 stars; we’re over-achievers and this one really isn’t it.

Charmin Sensitive™: 

Price/Square foot: $0.39/sheet

2-Ply

Notable Qualities:

  • Infused with soothing Vitamin E and Aloe to relieve the most sensitive caboose
  • Unscented.
  • An old, dry house would be happy to be T.P.-ed by this.

3/5 stars; would be better if scented