tWo gOoMbAaz kiLLED in DUI


Mitul Kalra

RED MARIO DIDN’T STOP: Star driver Mario Mario mauled over and devastated two innocent Goombas.

Mei Ono, Editor-in-Chief

Two goombas were killed in a tragic accident where Mario was suspected driving under the influence of a mega mushroom frenzy on Sunday.

The incident occurred during a race in Mario’s Circuit on the street behind Princess Peach’s castle at 1:29 p.m. The two goomba cousins were reportedly walking across the street when Mario was seen bolting down the street at over 90 miles per hour, ruthlessly running over both of them. The two goombas were reported dead on the scene by local toad police.

“Both goombas took a direct hit to the face and were knocked back against a nearby pipe where they took a critical blow to their brains,” Police Chief Toad said.

According to eyewitness accounts, Mario showed no hesitation as he sped through the carcasses and continued his race despite half crashing into the staircase up the castle. He remained uninjured throughout his second lap even after taking several shell hits to his kart’s rear, thrown by fellow racers in protest.

“Race? What race? I *hic* wasn’t racing yesssterday,” Mario said. An eyewitness reports that Mario was pulsating in a variety of neon colors as he was taken from the scene.

17-year-old Goomb A was studying to become a software engineer at the University of California, Berkeley and was catching up with his 18-yearold cousin Goomb B at the time of the crash. Mario now faces several lawsuits filed against him accusing him of DUI. He is currently being held at Luigi’s Mansion with bail set at 62,746 coins.

“I thought Mario was a better guy than that,” Peach said. “My disappointment is immeasurable and tea time is ruined.”

In response to the atrocity committed by one of their star drivers, Nintendo immediately revoked Mario’s driver’s license and towed his Pipe Frame Kart off the street.

If convicted, Mario could face up to 12 years in Bowser’s castle or a ban from Mario Kart Tour entirely. Following updates to the game are rumored to have goombas replace Mario on the loading scene in memory of the two lives lost.