To each according to their ability, throw away your garbage

TRASH TALK: After years of mistreatment, trash and cans speak up about their neglected feelings.
TRASH TALK: After years of mistreatment, trash and cans speak up about their neglected feelings.
Sophia Ho

Trash at school is often discarded without a second thought every day. Entire smorgasbords of junk are supposed to leave Northwood in garbage trucks every week. However, we never stop to think about where these items go, how they affect our environment and how they feel about being thrown away by their owners.

“I’m so distraught over this! It all happened so quickly,” candy bar wrapper Sandy Parr said. “One second I was the complete package: a vessel for the delicious chocolate bar with crunchy rice within me. The next, I was totally forgotten about and laid in waste across the floor. Literally.”

Parr was manufactured in a Swiss confectionery plant as your average chocolate snack. She then sailed the Seven Seas in search of someone who would eat her chocolate and dispose of her properly. However, all she found was despair and darkness (a depressing thing not to be confused with delicious dark chocolate) when some goober snarfed down her offerings and casually cast her to the floor, where the harsh wind beat down on her until she found herself on the baking asphalt of the staff parking lot. 

“I understand viewing us food wrappers merely as the food inside, but I’m more than that!” Parr said. “I deserve some respect! I have witnessed too much junk being thrown on the ground during lunch instead of their proper places in a wastebasket!”

Janitorial staff has lamented that only an approximated 3% of all garbage makes its way into trash cans. A number of factors contribute to this including throwing trash into bins and missing, absentmindedly throwing trash onto the floor and maliciously overturning trash cans as a sign of peaceful and symbolic protest. Obviously, this makes the trash themselves feel very upset.

Several waste products have founded a group called Do Discard Debris, which aims to teach students how to fully finish their food, clean up their workspaces and properly throw trash into a wastebasket. Julie Boxx, an unopened carton of apple juice retrieved in the library shortly after Tutor Center, and Mike Pencil, a mechanical pencil found next to The Oak after tutorial, have since joined the DDD and are currently spreading waste management awareness across high schools, colleges and commercial driving trade schools across the country.

“The DDD wants students to stop doing that basketball motion to throw away trash during class,” Boxx said. “We feel really bad when we aren’t disposed of properly, so we hope that students will start being more mindful about how they throw away their trash.”

Cambridge Analytica predicts that if students continue to forgo using trash cans to dispose of trash properly, the world will be covered in single slice pizza boxes and chocolate milk cartons seventy-eight miles high. The DDD is working around the clock to ensure that this apocalyptic scenario does not occur. 

“Don’t leave your trash on the floor!” Pencil said. “Garbage of the high school, unite!”

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