Dear Ivy:

I sent promposals to 20 girls, and now I have no one.

A little backstory: I’ve spent all four years of high school avoiding girls like the plague. I never attended a single hangout with girls outside of school, nor did I care about good grades—which are only for wooing the women, obviously.

That is, until prom season came around. All of my friends were filling up their posters with 250-350 word promposals on all the reasons why they would be the perfect fit for their girl. They were doing research into her personality, adding activities that would impress her and planning a whole future together. One that I still can’t forget is one about hating the letter S—and of course, the most popular girl at school was infatuated.

Deciding that it was too late to try to add anything to my dating profile, I made use of all 20 posters given by the school’s promposal craft station. Might as well shoot my shot, right? I sent promposals to the clique of the eight most popular girls in school, informally known as “The League,” but they turned me down because, well, I wasn’t good enough for them. The other clique leaders also rejected me because I “was a loser with no hobbies,” and the three other girls I asked out last said no because I only got a score of 930 on my rizz tests.

How do I get over this crushing feeling of disappointment and uselessness? Will I ever be able to settle down? Is this the end of my romantic life as I know it?

Best,
Scrue Comonapp

Dear Scrue,

How about the nine daughters of Gavin Newsom? Their family is so exclusive that they won’t accept anything made at the promposal craft station, but they don’t care about your rizz levels—plus, they won’t demand for you to spend much!

Wishing you the best, Ivy

Dear Ivy:

I’ve waited all my life for Cornellia, and I don’t understand why I have to wait longer. As a child, my parents always encouraged me to date her in the future. To them, she was the embodiment of happiness and success.

After all these years, I finally gathered up the courage to ask Cornellia out. I was almost certain she’d say yes: I’d written numerous love-professing essays and told her almost everything about myself (albeit with the minor help of my writing tutor). I got a 1590 on the Smooching Aptitude Test (SAT), the most popular relationship compatibility test, clearly proving I would be an amazing boyfriend. I even took classes from Elite Dating Prep… yeah. Not only that, but I demonstrated interest from the very beginning—I religiously interacted with all her posts on Instagram and even made the gruesome trip to visit her house.

She should have said yes. She was supposed to say yes. Instead, she said I have to wait three agonizing months until she reaches an ultimate decision. She needs “time” to think about it— what is there to think about? I’m perfect.

However, Calista Polyana Sloan, this cute girl who sits next to me in class, offered to pay me weekly Venmo deposits for four years, and even sent me an email about how much she likes me, but she’s definitely not on the same level as the other girl. What should I do? Should I go for someone else?

Sincerely,

D. Furred

Dear D. Furred,

YTA, Calista is a W. Also, INFO: Did you really only ask Cornellia? That wasn’t a safe decision for you to make in the first place, your submission reeks of Nice Guy… You seem a little obsessed. Might I suggest seeing a therapist?

YOU might be the poison, Ivy