If there’s anyone to thank for our immaculately temperate classrooms, it’s the infamous never-beforeseen overlord Air Conditioning District Commissioner (ACDC) who meticulously oversees the AC climates of all IUSD classrooms. After years of undercover research, The Howler has finally landed this exclusive, never-before-seen interview with the ACDC.
The Howler: Can you tell me about what led you to pursue your career in air conditioning?
ACDC: From the moment I could speak to the moment I graduated as valedictorian of University of California Air Conditioning (UCAC) with a major in K-12 temperature regulation studies, I knew that air conditioning control was my passion. I’m glad we’re finally doing this so I can inspire students to be as successful as I am.
TH: I’ve noticed that you have an… interesting sense of style. What is your inspiration?
ACDC: Most of my inspiration comes from this fan on my forehead, for example, reminds my co-workers of my position of superiority. I can’t imagine how miserable sitting in those cubicles all day with no purpose in life, void of having the power to control the elements themselves. It really blows when I don’t have my fan.
TH: I’ve noticed that even though you are the master of controlling temperatures, a lot of the classrooms have different temperatures. How do you explain this?
ACDC: The best part of my job is sitting in my control room imagining a student showing up to AP Calculus in a wool sweater, only to find out they came in the wrong outfit since I cranked the air up from 20 to 90 degrees Fahrenheit. It’s the little things that make my job so phenomenal.
TH: Why is it necessary to regulate temperatures in the district?
ACDC: Because I’m the best at AC control. I help the teachers out everyday! When I watch the students with my vast array of monitors, and I catch a student nodding off, I hit this giant red button to blast the AC super loudly to jolt them awake. Keep ‘em on their feet is what I always say.
TH: Northwood parents have voiced concerns about low levels of classroom engagement. At Northwood, teachers have reported increased bathroom requests and illegible assignments due to quivering pencils. What would you say to these parents?
ACDC: I would say they need to chill—pun intended. I didn’t amount to where I am by listening to haters, and I don’t plan of starting now. But please don’t start a petition. Our PR team can’t withstand the heat. Literally.