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A plague o’ all your classes, Northwood High

When was your last checkup? If it wasn’t in the past week, you could be at high risk for these back-to-school illnesses, and unfortunately for you, these diseases cannot simply be solved by drowsing yourself in Purell. Luckily, Northwood’s team of top epidemiologists have compiled a list of the most contagious diseases you might catch in high school. Let’s just hope you get the cure in time.

Phobic Freshman Syndrome (PFS):

Symptoms of PFS are especially prevalent in the beginning of the year. The effects of the syndrome-related anxiety can be seen in the almost shell-shocked stance freshman assume after facing the hordes of students running to class at break and their need to race to class immediately after the first bell. Luckily, modern technology has given way to the engineering of the “chill pill,” and usually its effects take place during second semester, when most freshmen learn to relax.

Deluded Arrogance Disorder (DAD)

This illness has only been discovered in recent times, but it is perhaps the most dangerous of all. Sophomores contract DAD immediately after completing freshman year, and come back to school with a sharp spike in egomania once realizing they’re no longer at the bottom of the food chain, overestimating the elevation of their status in high school. However, this can be cured by a strong dose of reality and a few upperclassmen knocking them down a notch, showing sophomores that they have a long way to go before they are actually at the top.

Living Dead Disease (LDD):

Scientists decided to adopt the name for this particularly illness after witnessing the appearance of the juniors it afflicted. Plagued by intense fatigue, juniors can often be seen mindlessly shuffling about as if they are the walking dead. Other symptoms include episodes of narcolepsy, high irritability that prompts zombie-like snarling and failure to answer even the most basic questions when their brain activity reaches a temporary “dead-air” zone. Fortunately, this disease is the most treatable and can be remedied simply by a few nights of good sleep. Unfortunately, this cure is near impossible to obtain for most juniors.

ADHS (Almost Done with High School):

Probably one of the most infamous afflictions on this list, ADHS claims the most victims in Northwood High School every year. Symptoms usually arise second semester, triggered by the closing of college apps season. This includes a sudden loss of interest in school, short-term memory loss in regards to projects and test dates, and an extreme addiction to skipping class. Unfortunately, there is no immediate cure. Seniors will likely get lost in Northwood during their second semester from wandering around the school without direction or purpose. Those afflicted with ADHS must wait for the demands of college to overwhelm the symptoms of this illness.