‘Til final deadline do us part
Romeo and Juliet. Gatsby and the American Dream. Elizabeth and Darcy. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Horrigan and Rubin. Mr. and Mrs. Olivares. Jan and the dress code. Northwood is filled with epic partnerships. And now for the latest, and arguably most legendary, addition to the list: Cara and Kristina.
Our friendship blossomed from sitting at neighboring computers in The Howler pod, an arrangement that birthed a plethora of priceless conversations, the most school-appropriate of which we have elected to share below in our senior article. Quotes have been edited for profanity, mostly on Cara’s side.
Cara Kim: Kristina, I’m going to get married before I’m 25.
Kristina Kim: I think you need to be a strong, independent woman.
CK: No, Kristina! I need a husband! I’m super dependent!
CK: I need to go to the bathroom. Can you come with me?
KK: Why can’t you go by yourself?
CK: I told you! I’m super dependent. I can’t do anything by myself. Pleeaaseeeee come to the bathroom with me. I do so much for you.
CK: Did you know Native Americans are all alcoholics?
KK: Really? That’s racist.
CK: I swear, you can look it up. It’s true.
KK: (Googles “Are Native Americans alcoholics?” and reads the first answer) It says, “No, Native Americans aren’t genetically more susceptible to alcoholism.”
CK: You can’t trust everything you read on the Internet, you know. Anyway, it’s not racist because I’m Korean and Koreans are alcoholics too. Koreatown has the highest concentration of liquor stores in LA.
KK: I don’t think you understand what “racism” means, Cara.
CK: Kristina, I have a story to tell you.
CK: Kristinaaaaaaaa, listen to me!
KK: Yeah, I’m listening.
CK: You never listen to meeeeeeeeee!
CK: Kristina, I hate this class with a burning passion. I’m going on strike.
KK: Cara, no.
CK: I need an assistant. All great A&E editors had assistants. Why don’t I? (to the class) Who wants to be A&E editor next year? Get over here!
KK: Cara, just do your work.
CK: I’m going on strike. I’m dropping this class. You’re all gonna miss me when I’m gone. This reminds me of how my mom only pays me $5 an hour to work for her, but she pays her other employees $12 an hour. I need to go on strike. I’m literally a slave.
CK: Oh my God, Kristina. They’re talking about college again. Can you tell them to shut up?
KK: Cara, you need to stop being so triggered by everything.
CK: I’m going to end my life if I hear one more person talking about how much scholarship money they got.
KK: If you really have a problem with someone, you should just tell them.
CK: God, no. I hate confrontation. I’m like the most laid-back, least confrontational person ever.
CK: Kristina, wanna hear what song is stuck in my head today?
CK: (to the tune of “Maria” from “West Side Story”) Kristinaaaaa, I just met a girl named Kristinaaaa…. Kris-teeeee-naaaaahhh…
KK: Cara, your toe looks like an alien.
CK: Ooh, I can separate my pinkie really far from the rest of my toes–
KK: I CAN DO THAT TOO!
CK: Wow Kristina, we were meant to be! Let’s get married.
KK: I’m not a lesbian.
CK: I’m the woman in the relationship, you can be the man. Wow, I would honestly marry you if you were a guy, Kristina.
CK: Kristina it’s an emergency. You gotta check out this website. (opens up beesbeesbees.com)
KK: What?! Is that real?!?!
CK: (laughing hysterically) Yes, of course it’s real! That’s Oprah!
CK: Everyone! You gotta see this! (continues laughing hysterically)
Our deepest appreciations to The Howler for forcing us to put up with each other for the past year and our deepest condolences to everyone around us who was forced to put up with our antics. We look forward to many more stimulating and enlightening conversations as we step into the next chapter of our lives together at UC Berkeley.