New tar helipad on the gym roof
The roof of Northwood’s gymnasium has undergone major renovation over the last few weeks, causing much speculation as to what the purpose of the roof truly is.
“The current gym roof was not serving our current roofing purposes,” said Principal Leslie Roach, who went on to point out that the roof was “totally inadequate” and “structurally unsound.”
In an e-mail message to staff, Roach called the renovation a “totally not suspicious” and “definitely appropriate” use of school funding to carry out a “much-needed improvement.”
“Previously, I had my private lounge on the roof,” Roach said. Her statements were corroborated by an antique leather couch found by the renovation crew.
“I’ve been stuck up here for years,” the couch said. “It’s about time they did some redecorating up here.”
However, Northwood students and parents alike have expressed misgivings about the project.
“What on earth do they need that much tar up there for?” demanded Northwood freshman Rangi Thimor. “It’s almost as if they’re trying construct a large, stable asphalt surface on the roof.”
Zhi Sheng Ji, a parent, concurred.
“It smells so bad that it seems that they’re trying to keep people away from there. Now how am I supposed to observe my son’s violin sectional?”
The tar smell forced several instrumental music classes to rehearse in the library instead of in the 500 building, effectively preventing any student from witnessing the landing lights—each five feet in diameter—being hauled up the side of the side of the gymnasium.
At press time, Roach had just sent out another all-staff e-mail, informing them of an upcoming update to the gymnasium’s “air-conditioning system.”
“The new AC system will pursue an aggressive cooling strategy,” wrote Roach in the message. “Although the intensity and volume of the fan may be reminiscent of the Sikorsky S-434 light utility chopper, do not be fooled!”
After further questioning, Roach broke down, admitting that she planned to build the helipad for personal purposes.
“I was so fed up with all the helicopter parents bugging me. I just wanted a place to store them,” pleaded Roach as she was led away by Northwood campus security.