Earlier this month, a renowned government scientist approached The Howler with the news that it was possible a new subspecies of human had been discovered on the Northwood campus that appears to survive solely off highly caffeinated beverages like coffee and bubble tea.
Though not much is known about the subspecies, named “homo sapiens eyebagicus” after their most prominent feature, scientists are working to study these fascinating creatures more closely. An interesting characteristic of this subspecies is that it has been shown to sleep significantly less than is required for a regular human to survive while still displaying relatively normal cognitive functions.
Scientists have also found that the subspecies has a distinct social order, with an alpha at the head of the social hierarchy.
“On one of our expeditions, we discovered a creature that appeared to be the paragon of its species,” Dr. Cabbage Turd, the renowned scientist directing the study, told The Howler earlier this month. “We knew it had to be the alpha after watching it mindlessly devour large quantities of food while crying, a behavior rarely documented in the species. We determined that this odd ritual must be used to establish dominance, or attract mates.”
The subspecies is also prone to expressing a strange sense of cruelty, with specimens documented, on multiple occasions, pouncing upon unsuspecting freshmen and whispering, “I have some information about Okonkwo you might find shocking.” This typically causes the victims to burst into tears and run away. Scientists are currently unsure as to what this phrase means, but believe it has something to do with a deity the Northwood freshmen revere as “the great yam daddy.”
Setting up a boba sale to attract members of the subspecies has been proposed, although it has been difficult getting the creatures to venture out into bright areas, as they appear to scurry away from light sources in a fashion similar to that of the humble cockroach. And while much remains to be discovered about these strange, elusive creatures, more studies and experiments are being planned.
Update (9/23): After interviewing a local freshman about their thoughts on attending school with a newly discovered subspecies, it was discovered that the specimens were, in fact, not actually a new subspecies, but were rather “just seniors, bruh.” The $3.5 billion government-funded study was discontinued after this discovery. But before you consider this a massive waste of money, rest assured that otherwise, it would have just been wasted on funding education anyway.