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Irvine Company found lactose intolerant

Irvine Company has been exposed as lactose intolerant after being caught refusing to renew the leases of multiple ice cream chains across the city.

“Honesty, how did I not see this coming?” Baskin Robbins regular sophomore Eric Gao said. “ I always felt like they were out to destroy ice cream ever since I stepped foot in this city.”

Within the past few months, a total of three ice cream stores including Baskin Robbins, Staxs and Cream have faced the chopping block.

“Now I have nowhere to go to binge-eat high-end tubs of ice cream when I’m sad,” senior Elaine Chao said. “I can’t settle for cheap, store-bought ice cream like Dreyer’s.”

Many suspect the personal biases of the Irvine Company against ice cream.

“It’s just too suspicious how they are only closing down ice cream stores here in Irvine,” freshman Andy Zhu said. “Coincidence? I think not.”

In fact, according to a few eyewitness accounts, students have seen the Chairmen Irvine Company, Donald Bren, subscribing to Lactose Intolerant Weekly, a local publication targeting the underside of dairy products. In addition, many of the board members have been seen actively participating in the Intolerance of Lactose protests against dairy products, as well as in dairy-free community support groups.

“As someone who has personally faced hard, painful struggles due to my lactose intolerance, I greatly respect the brave actions taken by the Chairman against ice cream,” junior Zachary Huang-Ogata said.

Although there is some support for the Irvine Company’s actions, many more are horrified, and a recent Reddit post was created to help sign a petition to keep the beloved ice cream places open.

“It’s horrifying to know that ice cream is no longer safe in Irvine,” sophomore Nadia

Lim said. “To any ice cream store out there, just know that Irvine Company is coming for you.”