Have you ever wondered why the school always schedules Winter Break to conveniently begin right before Christmas? Certainly it can’t be to give students a popular holiday off so they can actually have fun with their friends and family instead of being constantly strangled by the ever present, crushing pressure of schoolwork. That simply makes no sense. It must be because the school is trying to hide a secret that will shock the world.
And that is absolutely what The Howler set out to do when we first took a look at the facts and realized that everything fits together perfectly.
Think about it, who is often regarded as the icon of Christmas? Let me give you a hint: He’s bearded, loves red, is associated strongly with a nine-letter word that begins with “C” and isn’t Karl Marx. That’s right, I’m talking about jolly old Saint Nick himself.
And now think, what defining feature is Mr. Claus known for? His massive, white beard which carries with it an air of fatherly wisdom and kindness of course. And who else do we see around campus with a beard of similar description? None other than our beloved principal, Dr. Roach.
And that’s not the only fact that led us to catch her red-handed—er, white-bearded. Consider this: It is a known fact that Santa lives solely off milk and cookies. It is also a known fact that Dr. Roach reportedly appreciates cookies. Coincidence? I think not.
The proof is in the figgy pudding, so you better not shout about your anchor scores, cry about your SATs and pout about finals, and you better know why. The conclusion is indisputable: Dr. Roach is Santa Claus.