How to avoid clowns, razor apples and more: The Good, Bad and Ugly’s Halloween guide
Can you smell the pumpkin spice in the air? Once again, we’ve arrived at the season of pillaging for candy and freaking out about Early Applications. In these haunting times, your most reliable advice trio, Good, Bad and Ugly are back to give you some scarily useful advice. Follow their advice, and hopefully you won’t get kidnapped by a clown this Halloween.
Dear Howler, what should I dress for Halloween?
Good: There is inspiration all around you — you just need to know where to look! There are endless YouTube videos, magazines and online articles out there devoted to listing possible Halloween costume ideas. You can also dress up as a favorite character from a book, movie, or TV show. Additionally, you don’t need to break the bank to buy a cool costume: with a little creativity and quirkiness, some of the best costumes can be DIYs! Don’t take yourself too seriously; it’s all about having fun and expressing yourself in a way you typically wouldn’t any other day of the year.
Bad: You know what I always do? I always steal my costume from that one kid down the street. Nobody has money to buy costumes — especially since I’m saving my money for when I’m not successful after college — and making them just takes too much time. So the best solution is to “borrow” one from the one kid who has parents that aren’t too cheap to buy them. It doesn’t matter what you are, because the important part is that you’re not you.
Ugly: You don’t need to dress up — you’re already a monster.
Dear Howler, I think my house is haunted. What should I do?
Good: Don’t jump to superstitious conclusions too quickly! What you think is a haunted spirit might actually be a creaky floorboard or a leaky faucet in need of fixing. If you’re really frightened, inspect your house and attend to any problems with it to give yourself some peace of mind. And don’t let Hollywood horror movies and Halloween scary stories get to your head! Otherwise, you’re in for lots of sleepless nights, which most Northwood students already have too many of.
Bad: Man, I remember when my house was haunted. My ghost just urinated on the staircase right before I used them. It was honestly such a pain. The trick to dealing with these pesky poltergeists is just to start yelling out all your classes and homework assignments, and they’ll start running scared. I love being a Northwood student.
Ugly: I wish my house was haunted. Maybe then I could make some friends.
(alt-response: My house got infested with souls of lobsters once. You get used to them.)
Dear Howler, where could I get pumpkins to make jack-o-lanterns to scare children?
Good: You’re in luck — during this time of the year, they sell pumpkins everywhere! You can find your perfect Jack-o-Lantern-to-be at most grocery stores, farmers markets and of course, pumpkin patches. There is always a multitude of ripe pumpkins to choose from. But you better hurry and pick one up before all the good ones run out!
Bad: Don’t just go for the low-hanging fruit. If you want to scare children, you have to think beyond the patch. Pumpkins are so overrated (and also, pumpkin rights do matter). Nowadays, durian is so in. What you do is you take the flesh out of fresh durian and nail it to your door. Instead of scaring the kids, you test them, because these millennials are getting weak. Only those who can withstand the scent may pass.
Ugly: To truly stop children from pillaging your candy pile, use garlic and a stake… or is that to stop aliens from abducting cows?
Dear Howler, early applications are due the day after halloween. What should I do?
Good: If you don’t want to spend your Halloween frantically perfecting your college apps and essays while your friends are having fun, make sure you manage your time wisely several days or weeks before. Get everything done ahead of time and try to submit everything beforehand. That way, you’ll be free to dress up, eat some candy and have a good time on Halloween. After all, Halloween is scary enough as it is — you don’t need deadlines and crushing worries about your future to make it even scarier!
Bad: College applications? I stopped trying on those years ago! You have to accept that you are going to be unsuccessful in life, and save all the money you can. So when you’re living in the elevator of an engineering company, you can sue whomever tells you to leave.
Ugly: Bulk up on candy and outsource your essays to the kids who come Trick-or-Treating. I like to pay them at a rate of six skittles per every 100 words.