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Destress 101: how to chill out

It’s that stressful time of year again. Try out some of these helpful tips to help you relax!

Reach out for help. If messaging your friends for help doesn’t work, resort to prank-calling your teacher. Start by asking them if their refrigerator is running, then subtly convince them that there’s no test tomorrow.

Practice self-care. Put on a face mask, cut some cucumber slices and put them over your eyes. After all, if you can’t see your homework, it doesn’t exist. Out of sight, out of mind.

Netflix-and-kill-time. We already know you do it anyway, so another 30 hours—uh, minutes—won’t make a difference.

Take on a new hobby; it’s scientifically proven to help if you have an activity that you can direct your attention towards other than school. One that we recommend mastering is the art of screaming. First: step outside. Second: scream like you have no dignity left (we all know you don’t have anything to lose). Third: go back inside because your neighbors hate you.

Make a study group and sabotage everyone so you’ll come out on top.

Create a new identity, complete with a three-part french name. Suggestions include: Jean Paul Moliere, Bour Geoi Sie and Jacqueline Belrose Chevrolet. Your math teacher can’t hand back your test that you didn’t study for to someone who doesn’t exist anymore—you’ll simply have no choice but to start over with a clean slate in your gradebook.

Just lie on the ground and reflect on your regrets.

Lighten your workload. If your schedule is stressing you out, just do yourself a favor: keep dropping classes until you have none left.

Binge eat (check out the new ice cream place, see page 3/4).

Exercise (gotta burn those calories somehow). Put on your workout clothes and press play on a power playlist. Start running. Then keep running, and don’t look back— your problems are simply a thing of the past now. Don’t stop running for three years, until you’ve gathered national recognition, a legendary beard and a large crowd of followers who run at a safe distance behind you. Now that you have an army of support, go to College Board and demand your life back. If that doesn’t work, you can go home, I guess.