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Debunking myths about the theater renovation

  • Myth: the theater has been painted blue
    • False. The theatre has not been painted. Everyone has spontaneously gone color blind over the summer.
  • Myth: the theater’s curtains have been changed
    • True. The curtains are going through a difficult time and have vowed to make a difference in their lives. So yes, they have been changed, just not physically.
  • Myth: the catwalk has been removed so that Dmitri’s ghost can finally pass in peace
    • False. Nothing can satisfy Dmitri anymore as he now demands to feed upon the souls of the innocent.
  • Myth: while renovating the theatre, a mysterious box was discovered under the stage that unleashed an ancient curse upon opening
    • True. It is rumored that the curse causes the person reading this to turn into a wonderful person deserving of love. In other words, it doesn’t change anything. Stay beautiful, buddy.
  • Myth: We are not hiding political refugees in the theater and there is no need for the CIA to investigate this any further
    • True. this is a completely true fact and there is absolutely no need for the CIA to continue to investigate our political refugee-free theater.
  • Myth: there are frogs in the theatre
    • I don’t know where you heard this one. I mean, it’s true, I just don’t know where you heard it.
  • Myth: new rules for theater etiquette have been implemented
    • False. Society’s laws no longer apply within the theater. You can do anything: steal, pirate software, or worse, you can take someone else’s parking spot like an actual monster. Plagiarism, however, is still forbidden.
  • Myth: a 20 foot tall Okonkwo shrine has been placed in the back of the theatre for freshmen to place their offerings of yams and adopted sons.
    • This is an outrageous lie. The shrine is only 19 feet tall.
  • Myth: the theatre was renovated with wood imported from Idaho
    • False. Idaho does not exist.