Coping 101: How to cope with the pain of college rejections

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  1. Don’t write an article about it.
  2. Don’t read an article about it.
  3. Seriously, stop reading this article.
  4. Now that we’ve gotten all the fragile snowflakes out of the way…
  5. Denial. What rejection? What college? What’s Harvard? Is that even a real place? What’s Cambridge? What’s Massachusetts? These are clearly made up words.
  6. Purge all traces of the college from your life. I’m talking sweatshirts, hats, mugs and any other paraphernalia that you’ve accumulated with the school’s logo. Burn them all in the fiery inferno of your implacable rage.
  7. Spread the ashes around the foot of your bed—this has been proven to increase your chances of divine intervention, and also make you look like an idiot.
  8. Eggs. Egg the campus, egg the dorms, egg the entire college town, leaving nothing but a sea of yellow and white chicken gametes.
  9. Write an angry and highly profane email to the admissions director, think you’ve deleted it, then accidentally send it.
  10. Repeat three times a day (once at 5 a.m., once in the middle of math class and once mid-way through your daily cry), “Stanford isn’t that good anyway.”
  11. Treat it like a breakup. Look the school in their metaphysical eye and realize, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
  12. Be the bigger person and accept it. Wait. Accept it…acceptit…acceptant…ACCEPTANCE!