It’s Thanksgiving season! Time to cozy up with your friends over steaming plates of food! And what better companions than the Good, Bad and Ugly crew? Join us for some good conversation and advice, as we respond to all your worries.
Dear Howler, I’m really dreading Thanksgiving dinner because I know all my aunts and uncles will compare me to my siblings and cousins. What do I do?
Good: Oof, the judgemental relatives. Undermining your achievements one comparison at a time. Let me guess—the first few minutes are all warm hugs and reunions, and the rest of the evening is snide bragging about their kid making six-figures a year after graduating from an Ivy. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. The most important thing to remember is not to take these remarks to heart. Sure, it can make turkey-eating a little depressing, but just grit your teeth and smile politely—it’ll pass. Just remember that your achievements should never be devalued by the judgements of others—you are the decider of your own success.
Bad: Judgement isn’t a fault of you as an individual, it is this education system and society! We need to start a revolution against it; ban all grades. What is individual achievement? The only achievement you should care about is our achievement as the proletariat! We must seize the means of grade production in school and overthrow this UC system and replace it with one common system, where we are all equal under the guidance of our great leader Roach!
Ugly: They’re right, you know.
Dear Howler, I love Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving food, but I’m worried about gaining too much holiday weight. Help!
Good: Holiday weight is usually due to over-stuffing yourself on a regular basis during the season. Make sure not to make a habit out of overeating—not only will it keep your weight in check, but it is generally healthier for your digestion and general health. It may be hard with all those tempting Thanksgiving leftovers in the fridge, but if you sense that you’re full, stop eating! It’ll only make your stomach hurt. But don’t let a few holiday pounds bring down your self-esteem—it’s perfectly natural to gain weight in colder seasons, with larger amounts of succulent food available. It happens to everyone, so don’t sweat it!
Bad: There is always a solution, and the best one is sharing is caring! Why indulge in your capitalist vice of gluttony when you can make your community a better place by sharing your Thanksgiving food. Equally. One pea, an eighth of a Turkey leg and a fourth cup of mashed potatoes should be a healthy fun-sized portion!
Ugly: Atherosclerosis makes a great Christmas present.
Dear Howler, I never seem to get the fall fashion, and everyone laughs at me for being out of style. What are the latest trends I should know about?
Good: Honestly, it’s whatever keeps you feeling warm and cute. But you can never go wrong with sweaters, windbreakers or a cute coat. Notice the details in style that you like. Maybe it’s fur lining in a cute jacket, quirky high socks or a colorful beanie. Experiment; maybe try a turtleneck sweater or a cute new pair of boots. Fashion inspiration is everywhere—Tumblr, Insta-models, YouTubers, that fashion catalogue that came in the mail. Apply what you see and what you admire into your own fashion. And in the end, who cares what other people think, as long as you feel good in your own clothes?
Bad: Fall is not the time for sweaters, it’s the time for tearing up your sweaters; you have so many! It’s time we spread equality, to the more neglected and vulnerable parts of our body. Let’s say we give our noses equal treatment. Those poor things are getting all stuffy and runny this season, so get working on those nose warmers comrade!
Ugly: The look of defeat and depression fits you well.